How Can I Help My Husband? (Contributing to Your Husband’s Healing Environment) By Chris & Rahnella Adsit and Marshele Carter

Marriage and Combat Trauma

Every relationship is different. Levels, modes, experience and depth of communication vary from couple to couple. Add to that the extreme relationship stress of Combat Trauma, and you could have some real challenges. You might find it very difficult to imagine you and your husband sitting down together and quietly discussing your household roles, communication issues and sexual intimacy. That’s okay! You simply might not be there yet – but that doesn’t mean you won’t be six months or a year from now. If you come across a suggestion that just seems impossible, don’t put pressure on yourself and try to push for it right away. Make it a matter of prayer, and see how God might change the landscape over time. What may be impossible today may be perfectly plausible in the future!

Redefine and clarify roles and responsibilities

When your husband was deployed, you adopted multiple roles – roles that used to be divided between “his” and “hers.” Your role designations may have been flawed even before deployment, but they are surely uneven now since he’s come back with Combat Trauma. Not only are you possibly working a full or part-time job, you may also be a mother, responsible for every detail in your children’s lives. But now that your husband is back and trying to cope with his combat experiences, it may sometimes feel like you have inherited another child.

There are two reasons why you should take the time to redefine, clarify and delegate some of your roles and responsibilities: (1) to avoid your early demise and (2) as a positive way of involving your husband in his own healing.

Chore Inventory: On a separate sheet of paper – preferably with your husband – write a list of all household chores and responsibilities. List everything, no matter how small or insignificant you might think it could be. At the top of the left column write “Now” and write either your initial or your husband’s initial next to each chore designating who is currently in charge of it. In the right column, head it with the word “Ideal” and put the initial of the person who should ideally be taking care of each chore.

A non-role: Don’t take the role of his “fixer.” You must constantly remind yourself that God is his healer and you are not! If you try to assume a role that you are not equipped for, you’ll only frustrate yourself and annoy your husband – or worse, slow down his recovery.

Learn how to have a good fight

All relationships encounter conflict from time to time. But when one of the combatants is afflicted with Combat Trauma, it will probably happen more frequently than normal. For this reason you and your husband need to agree to certain “rules of engagement.” Usually, when a couple is in the heat of an argument, there is no interest in rules – it’s “every man (or woman) for himself!”

First, think about what’s going on during an argument, and how the basic mechanics of conflict communication can be improved.

Focus on: one issue at a time, the problem, behavior, specifics, expression of feelings, “I “statements, observation of facts and a mutual understanding.

Rather than: many issues, the person, character, generalities, judgment of character, “You” statements, judgment of motives and who’s winning or losing.

Though we often don’t realize it, most of our conflicts take place on two levels: the flashpoint issue (which the argument erroneously focuses on), and the real issue. If you and your husband seem to argue frequently over the same subjects, it might be helpful to try and assess what could be the underlying, real subject you are at odds about.

Pray for your husband

Since you are not the Healer, and since your main job has to do with helping to construct an environment favorable for your husband’s healing, and since God is the one who can accomplish healing and restoration, it makes sense that you would want to spend a great deal of time talking to God about your husband.

Praying Scripture

The Bible gives us good criteria for getting “yes” answers to our prayers:

This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him. – 1 John 5:14, 15

If we’re “asking according to His will.”

Oh gracious Lord, I ask that You would bless my husband, ____, indeed and enlarge his border; and that Your hand might be with him, and that you would keep him from harm that it may not pain him. – 1 Chronicles 4:10

Doctrinal Prayers

Another powerful way to pray is through “doctrinal prayers” – prayers that have firm biblical doctrine at their core. You and your husband should put on your spiritual armor every day – but if he can’t or won’t, as his wife you have the authority to put it on for him based on the oneness you have in Christ through your marriage. As you pray, visualize yourself putting each piece of armor on your husband.

Explore issues of sexual intimacy

When a troop returns from combat after many months of sexual deprivation, it’s quite normal for passions to be running high upon his return. But if he is struggling with Combat Trauma at some level, he may quickly begin to experience “performance” problems as a common symptom of his disorder. Anti-depressants can also cause impotence as a side effect. For most men, this is a very embarrassing development, and it may cause them to avoid having sex for fear that they would continue to “fail.” Or he may shun personal contact with his wife as a manifestation of “avoidance” symptoms.

Too much: For some wives of combat vets, the problem is the opposite: their husband insists on having sex a number of times a day. Sex becomes imperative, and when their wives refuse them, they feel desperately unloved and rejected. For these men, it’s not a matter of seeking sexual release in the sex act, but of finding security, self-esteem and “victory.”

Solutions: Sexual problems between married couples are very complex. We recommend you both make it a matter of prayer and communication if you’re having problems in this area, but in such delicate and multi-faceted matters God will often work through the wise counsel of a trained therapist or counselor. Time, space and the insight of an intermediary will be useful. As you work through many of the other issues addressed, many of your sexual issues could be resolved as well.

Become intentional about communication

Any marriage where communication isn’t happening will soon be in trouble. If a couple is intent on healing a hurting relationship, they must be willing to undertake the sometimes difficult works of talking things out.

Back Off: If your husband indicates that, “I just can’t deal with this now!” it’s okay to drop the subject. You may be getting too close to triggering deeper depression, rage reactions or even a dissociative state. Leave it alone for now and perhaps bring it up at some later date. Give him the grace and freedom not to respond if the subject upsets him too much.

Suicide Talk: Take any comments your husband might make about suicide seriously. If he mentions that he’s been thinking about “checking out,” or if he talks about how it would probably be easier on you (and the kids) if he wasn’t around anymore, or if you notice any unusual signs, urge him to seek professional help immediately. Left unaired, negative thoughts can quickly grow and develop into a full-blown suicide crisis.

What not to say: Do not say phrases like: “Get over it.” “Forget about the past; the past is past.” “Get a life.” Those words and phrases like those show a lack of understanding of Combat Trauma, shallow empathy, simplistic theology and in many cases, self-centeredness.

Humor him: Laughter can be a healing influence, give a broader perspective on life’s challenges and provide a sense of closeness and camaraderie. A cheerful heart is good medicine, it says in Proverbs 17:22.

Remind him: Remind him of his awesome survival skills and strengths. Those whom the military has trained to stay alive in the midst of combat are some of the most supremely adaptable and capable people on the planet. Communicate your confidence in him: Since he survived a war, he can surely triumph in this battle with Combat Trauma.

Include him: Include him in household decision-making processes. He may be having a hard time making decisions, but it will contribute to his feelings of uselessness if you make all the decisions alone and just inform him after-the-fact what they were.

Indulge him: Plan for ways to be sensitive to your loved one’s idiosyncrasies. For example, it is considerate to ask them where they would like to sit in a restaurant. Refrain from demanding that they go shopping at crowded malls. Do what you can to keep the kids from crawling on him too much. Do not take it personally if your loved one does not hug as much as you would like. If you give them space by understanding and respecting (their personal boundaries), hopefully they will draw closer in time.

Be proactive about his healing environment

The most beneficial activity the wife of a Combat Trauma sufferer can engage in on behalf of her husband is to help construct the healing environment in which God has optimal access to his body, soul and spirit. If you remain passively sitting on the sidelines and expect him to take the initiative completely, his healing environment will not be optimal. Here are a few suggestions as to how you can be actively supportive of him and his healing environment.

Counseling: The fresh perspective and corrective feedback of a wise and experienced counselor can really streamline the healing process. If your husband (or you) are hanging on to various “thinking errors” regarding reality, cause-and-effect behavior, and how to move away from self-limiting or even self-destructive mindsets and activities, your journey toward “new normal” will take many unnecessary detours. The best situation would be to find a counselor, therapist, chaplain or pastor who would be willing to counsel both of you together and individually.

Medication: If your husband’s doctors or therapists have prescribed medications, become an authority on what each of them is and does, what his proper dosage is, when he is suppose to take them and what the side effects are. In his traumatized state, he may often forget about them. Sometimes he may refuse to take them because of how they make him feel. If that’s the case, speak with his health professional about it and see if they can adjust the dosages.

Spirituality: Be sure to keep your relationship with Christ a daily top priority, but don’t flaunt your spirituality and self-discipline in front of your husband. If he’s struggling in his faith, this may make him resentful of your “religiosity” and push him even father from God. Ask God to give you gentle, creative ways to encourage him to deepen his relationship with his Healer, and to assume his role as the spiritual head of the family.

Exercise: You both need to work out. Why not become training partners? This way, you can encourage each other, help each other roll out of the sack each morning even when you don’t feel like it and give each other kudos as you see improvements.

Fun: As you sail the ocean of your pain and difficulty, provide some “islands of refreshment” along the way. Think through ways the two of you could engage in satisfying hobbies together, vacations, leisure time with family and friends, recreational activities, ways of relaxing. Give each other things to look forward to.

Substance Abuse: If your husband is abusing drugs or alcohol, it’s imperative that you help him get into a program that will give him freedom in this area. Your husband needs to learn that it is possible to cope with his strong emotions and despair without numbing himself with chemicals. Be especially proactive on this one – even to the point of intervention.

Don’t neglect your own needs

When you take care of yourself properly, you are actually helping your husband as well.

Isolation: Don’t let yourself get isolated. You may have to contend with the symptom of self-isolating yourself. If you lose all of the vital avenues of support that you need to keep yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy, you will soon be of no use to your husband. We are herd animals. We are a cell within a body of cells. We are redwood trees in a stand. We need each other.

Set some goals: The drive to accomplish something is a healthy drive – unless it gets out of balance. People dealing with anxiety disorders often lost that drive, and they drift aimlessly for months or years. If you allow your husband’s difficulties to keep you from setting and achieving worthy goals, it could lead to bitterness on your part and a severe strain in your relationship with your husband. Ask God to give you a goal that you could start pursuing today.

Pray for endurance: Endurance is a key characteristic, and one that is very appropriate for a woman married to a Combat Trauma sufferer to desire. It’s not the drama and intensity of your husband’s condition that would normally lead to the end of your marriage. It’s the duration of the condition. Ask God to give you endurance, so that you can be there as long as it takes for your husband, your children, and yourself to experience His healing.

It will be worth it!

Dr. Aphrodite Mataskis says: It is a truism that spiritual love is born of sorrow. In going through difficult times together and in facing the sorrows inherent in having been traumatized, you and your survivor can know a closeness that transcends relationships based on superficialities. Your commitment to each other will be real and substantial. Not only in your relationship with your survivor, but in all the parts of your life you will have acquired an invaluable ability: You will have learned how to make positive use of your frustration, fear, anger and pain. In this and in many other ways, you and your survivor will be able to consider yourselves truly victorious.