8 Things You Wont Do Once You Have Children

The other day, I was in a cosmetics store and asked the girl working there what product she would recommend from a new line they were featuring. Now, I say girl because frankly, she was fresh faced, cute as a button, perfectly tan, toned, and wrinkle free. (All the things I no longer am.)

Girl: "Well, Ma'am…"

(Ma'am? Ugh, we're already starting off on the wrong foot.)

"… I'm totes LOV-ING these facial towlettes, because like, you know when you get home and you're so exhausted after a late night of partying or whatever and you just can't make it to the bathroom to wash-up? You can just keep these by the bed and you're done."

My Response: "Ha ha ha hee hee hee cackle cackle choke cough ha ha ho ho - um, No."

Yes, it was amusing to even entertain that thought.

Well, it's a "no," unless going out to dinner and having to drive around the block a couple times to ensure my children will be sleeping when I get home, counts as partying?

Let's face it, those are things you do pre-kids, when you don't have someone to feed in the AM, when you know you'll get to sleep all the way through the night and maybe well into the afternoon. When you don't worry that all those high calorie drinks will take a month to work off or that you'll wake up with bags so full, your eyes will be practically indiscernible from your eyelids.

Then it dawned on me, there are many things we no longer get to do once we become moms, skipping a night at the sink being the least exciting of them. There's a score of little things that you probably never realized you lost because frankly, you weren't conscious of having them in the first place. Let's face it, after kids you don't get to:

1. Be Selfish - Remember when you could order a dessert, or a smoothie, or a sandwich with chips, and no one asked for a bite, piece, chunk, stuck their finger in it, put their mouth on, it or stole the whole thing? Or what about wearing a sweater that you'd never have to give up because some little person said she would be fine without one, but was wrong? Or being able to use the entire coverage of the umbrella (I mean any coverage)? Yes, I remember those things too, vaguely. Aside from the fact that you share your things to make your children happy, it's literally an illegal parenting move to not share - because it goes against everything you've taught them since like … birth! Now that one of mine is a preteen he mooches my Starbucks. MY SACRED LATTES! (I may need to revisit how important sharing is.)

2. Be Naked. Nudity may seem like no big deal ... until your toddler compares your boobs to cow bells, then it's clothes on for the long haul. No walking to the laundry room to look for a clean bra. No blowing your hair or putting on make up sans robe. No birthday suit appearances at ALL, without worrying that your body may be the cause of their therapy in later life.

3. Be Sick - A couple years ago, I wrote a comparison of what happens when moms get sick vs. dads getting sick . Needless to say, dads (like moms pre-kids) tend to act as if they have the plague and moms act as if the world continues to spin, because it DOES! Yep, Doctor's appointments still stand, sports games aren't cancelled, kids still need to be fed and bathed. Before kids one could sit home for a week throwing snot filled tissues in a pile on the floor, bathing once every other day ... or two, moaning, and binging on Sudifed. Now recuperation consists of you sucking on a lozenge while driving carpool in your comfy sweats. AWESOME.

4. Do Nothing. No, for the rest of your parenting life you will have purpose … every minute of every day. Whether it's cleaning, cooking, working, running errands, trying to stay fit, keeping the kids entertained, happy, fed, clean, healthy, or from beating each other up -- you will be doing something. Even the rare times that you're "doing nothing" you're doing something, it's called, maintaining sanity. (So yes, hiding in your closet, hoping for a few minutes span before the kids find you, totally counts.)

5. Have Surprise Encounters. Yes, there was probably a time when all your encounters didn't take place in the bedroom between the hours of 9PM and midnight. Maybe you were loud, maybe you couldn't make it past the kitchen, maybe you moved from room to room leaving a trail of garments in your wake. Ha ha ha ha ha ho ho. I'm sorry, the thought of having that much energy or desire gets me before I even mention that it's off limits with little ones around.

6. Stay Up All Night. OK, let's get this straight, I realize moms stay up all night many an eve, but I'm talking about the "Wow, I'm having so much fun, sure let's go to that other club, holy crap is that the sun coming up? No worries I'll sleep until 3PM" kind of night. What am I talking about? I have no interest in staying up until the sun rises. I unintentionally see it enough as it is. I don't know if it's about motherhood or maturity, but I don't miss those nights.

7. Watch One Of YOUR Shows With the Kids. Aside from the fact that half the stuff I like is inappropriate, damn you Breaking Bad for being so good, watching a show with them is like having lunch with Gilbert Gottfried (well, what I imagine it would be like). "Mom, why does Desiree like Brooks so much? He's not cute do you think he's cute?" "Ohhh Mom Ma, look at this trick I can do on the sofa." "Who got the power of veto? When is the next competition... I only like the competitions... You remind me of Helen." "Mom, mom, mom, mom, listen to me do the cup song 8000 more times." "Look at the cat! How funny is it when I do this to her." "Do I sound like the little girl who sang heavy metal on America's Got Talent? Listen, mooooommmmmm."

8. Get a GOOD Night's Sleep. Now, let me clarify, my kids are older so yes, I can usually sleep through the night, buuuuutttt if there is so much as a cough or sniffle in the wee hours, I'm out like a shot. Which begs the question, "How deep are we sleeping when a late night rollover could wake us from across the house?" And let's not forget waking up to pee (our bladders aren't what they used to be), to check the kids (again), to let the dog out, and to look at the clock and assess how many more hours of sleep you could get -- if you were in fact sleeping. Then once the kids are even older, I'm guessing you can't sleep until they're safely home and in bed. So basically, sleep is pretty much ruined for decades.

Oh well, I guess you can't really miss things you never knew you had. Plus if there's anyone who gets to steal my latte … or my sanity, it's my kiddos.


What do you miss?


Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog, is the humorist behind the award winning, The Suburban Jungle.com. An on air lifestyle expert, card carrying Gen Xer and columnist at HuffPo and TheStir, her goal is to you keep herself sane and to teach dolphins to read. She is failing at both. Join her … and the INSANITY on Facebook , Pinterest, and Twitter.

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