Earlier this month, Beliefnet member sadgryl posted a plea for advice on dealing with one of life's most difficult sorrows: the loss of a child. The community has responded with an outpouring of sympathy, wisdom and personal tales of loss and healing. Read a sampling of their posts and add your own.

If somebody out there can tell me the best way to deal with the death of my child. He has been gone for 10 months and 7 days he was 11 yrs old. I have no ability left to cope with life and would like nothing more than to die, but am having doubts as to that. I seem to have lost the ability to move on or to help anybody else with this. If anybody has any ideas I would love to hear them.
-- sadgryl

Hi I too lost a child my sons twin brother July22,2000, It is one of the hardest things to deal with losing a child, just when you think your finally starting to deal with it, wham you have another day filled with tears. Try to find a support group where you can express your feelings, one for grieving parents, grieving moms something like that.
-- mom25boys (Post #3)

Hello dear one...I am so sorry for your loss. I am still recovering from the shock of the traumatic birth of my first baby, Jeremy who was stillborn-full term this past December due to an umbilical cord accident.I light a candle for Jeremy every evening when I go to bed and say my prayers and meditate. It makes me feel like I've communicated my warmth and love to him and I sleep better (after I blow the candle out!) knowing that I've sent positive energy to him.
--jablab (#4)

After over 20 years it still hurts. My son was 16 years old when I lost him. It seems to take about 2 years to begin to feel alive again..If you have other children remember that they need you now more than ever. If you continue in a state of mourning--those children have lost not only their brother but their mother as well. Surviving children often feel as if their parents would have preferred losing one of them rather than the one who died.
--spete63077 (#8)

Perhaps mythology is right, life is a heros journey. All I understand is that we seem to be unable to embrace pain or darkness. Loving what is beautiful and light flows naturally.

Through coming to terms with our loss, we learn to somehow return the experience to light. We learn to develop within the meaning we give to the loss, a meaning that is useful. It seems to be that if we can find something useful, something good, we find a means to go on.

My wish for you is that in your loss you will continue to hold within you the love you have experienced. My wish is that this beauty will not be taken from you internally, as it has externally.
-- FireRaven (#22)

.The advice that a mother of a deceased child can give you is to stay in prayer, ask God for the streng[th] to help you accept the things that you can not change, ask God for the courage to make it through each day, ask God, and believe that only God can make it better for you.
-- myhearts (#23)
.Let me share with you a gift that has come from your loss this very hour. A gift to a mother who is about to loose her 12 year old son in the next few hours. I am a vol[u]nteer at a Hospice House. Taylor has been there for the past few months and his death is imminent. His mother has been with him and at these times, even for those of us who see the dying process every day, words for his Mom seem so inadequate. The love embodied in all of the replies sent you has overwhelmed me. There is so much wisdom contained within them; I do hope you can read them carefully and contact those who offered to share more with you. I hope they all will support my decision to print all the replies, and your note, and give them to Taylor's mother at an appropriate time. This really borders on a miracle; no doubt generated by your son and I pray he greets Taylor in the next few hours as this child of God is released from his suffering to be welcomed into Gods arms..
-- Docrichard (Post #28)

.I will pray for you that you will find peace. Try to get some therapy, it helps Keep active - don't isolate yourself. Be good to yourself - this is not punishment for something you did wrong. Cry when you need to. Laugh when you can - do not feel guilty for any joy you feel - it's okay to go on with your life - your child would want you too. He is at peace, he will never suffer or be sick, his "world" is perfect - he is in paradise. Love yourself as he would want you to. I know this seems impossible, but remember with God all things are possible. Even the Blessed Mother had to go on after the death of her Son - let her be your example.
-- angelgreyt (#48)

.I understand because I lost my 13 year old son in 1986. His death was devastating to me and my family. It is still hard to talk about him, even after all these years. Please, talk to your minister and get some grief counseling. Start a journal and pour out your feelings. Pray and read your bible. And most of all, remember that it is not God's fault. Lean on him, don't blame him. It took me a long time to realize that things happen, and we don't necessarily get a reason for it.
-- AgelessStudent (#51)

so sad for you my friend
I lost a daughter and went through all the motions for 8 months and had a breakdown....was trying so hard to be strong for everyone....I searched, read books and prayed for understanding....finally I read a quote: GOD DOES NOT TAKE OUR CHILDREN FROM US....HE RECEIVES THEM BACK...I think then the healing started.....God loaned me a wonderful daughter for a short time then took her home again..
-- arkiemama (#56)

The hurt never really goes away...I lost my son, (who was 21 yrs. old) 7 years ago...I have been where you are...it is a stage...so many people tried to help..no one, and I mean no one, knows what you are going through...each persons grief is different, and each persons experience is different...all I can say is that you will get through it...
-- WillyBeauTeaford (#68)

I totally understand what you are going through, and you have my deepest sympathy. I have lost most of my loved ones - a 19-year old beloved daughter, both of my parents and, more recently, my husband. Without a doubt it was tough to lose them all, but losing a child was the most devastating of all.

I was having a great deal of trouble dealing with her death, and felt the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I noticed her sister seemed to be managing better. Sometimes we learn from our children. I followed her advice and that night when saying my prayers added "God, I cannot handle this alone. Please help me." Instantly the heavy weight on my shoulders lifted and I felt God's presence. My grief did not end there, but I was able to handle it better.
-- helenadam (#90)

today is the my daughters birthday....she would have been 12 years old. her name is nikita....she went to heaven when she was 6 years old. she had cancer....my advice to you is to take it one day at a time...one minute at a time...one second at a time....it is the hardes[t] thing i have ever had to deal with. it has changed my life forever...

--jjaznik1 (Post #103)

The only way to deal with hurt and pain is to be real with God. If you're mad tell Him, if you are angry at Him tell Him, cry, hit, scream before God in prayer and as this purging takes place He will heal you. He promises in Psalm 147:3 (Amplified Bible) He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (curing their pains and their sorrows)
-- ushuluvhim (#107)

.I have asked myself many times why a child would die if God could prevent such a thing. More and more I'm believing that when children die it is because those souls were much closer to being who/what they needed to be in order to be one with God; so much closer that they did not "need" to experience the many trials, tribulations, and sorrow of this life in order to "learn" and to become who/what is necessary to join God -- to be so evolved that one is Godly. To me it has become evident that those children who die are obviously (to me) way ahead (if I might be permitted to phrase it this way) of me or of other adults in Godly development. And, though I'm still saddened by their early death, I almost feel as though perhaps they are secretly blessed: no lifelong trials, pains, sorrows but, instead, almost immediate joy of being one with God..
-- renaisanc9 (#121)

The way I deal with the loss of my daughter is to open up my heart and wrap it around her memory, then force myself to "carry on". I know our children are happy in Heaven and I believe they would be so sad to see us being sad all the time. There are always moments of sadness and missing that hit you when least expected, but I'm learning how to make the "missing" a part of who I am now, without my daughter. She promised me before she left that her energy and spirit would always be with me and she was right. She is with me on the breeze, in a scent, in the beautiful sky, on rainy days that she loved to stand in getting wet..It is the physical part we miss, but they are always, always with us. Give yourself lots of time and know that you will have joy again.
-- linde246 (#143)

...I can't even imagine how hard it is to get up each day knowing that your child has passed and you are still here. It will take every ounce of energy you have just to go through the motions of the day. I promise you that it will get better. That doesn't mean you will not have those tough days, but you have the strength and courage to get through this. Time will heal your wounds. Hold onto the wonderful memories that you had together, your son's spirit is still with you and everyone else that he came in contact with. A support group would be helpful not only for you but for others that you will be able to help comfort and support in their time of need. I will pray for you and your family - may peace be with you.
-- missy.farley (#154)

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