Four or five nights a week, my husband and I sit down to dinner with our two sons, Will, 12, and Tim, 9. At this age, the boys are good company, and I know they enjoy these meals as much as Rick and I do, because they complain when we miss a few nights. But family dinner wasn't always like this. In fact, when the children were small, we called it "dining hell."
We endured whining, spilling, and endless struggles to keep restless toddlers at the table long enough to eat something. We weathered complaints about unacceptable food and whose leg was kicking whose chair.
Mealtime is often the only time in the whole day when everybody's in the same room having a conversation," says William Doherty, Ph.D., author of "The Intentional Family" (Addison Wesley Longman, 1997), "so it's where the family's culture gets created." Even more impressive is the research suggesting that regular family meals can sharpen a child's intellect. Diane Beals, Ed.D., of the University of Tulsa and Patton Tabors, Ed.D., of Harvard, studied 80 preschools and found that mealtime conversation built vocabulary even more effectively than listening to stories or reading aloud.
Indeed, the phrase "family dinner" has become almost a metaphor for a commitment to family--a commitment strong enough to survive the considerable odds against it. After all, in order to eat together, every family member must make it a priority. No band practice, no TV show, no late commute can interfere. Someone--usually an exhausted soul who's already put in a long day--must get the food on the table, and someone must clean up. Everyone must eat--more or less the same thing. And everyone must behave in a way that's not going to horrify, or annoy, the other diners.
An astonishing 66% of families
eat dinner while also
watching TV or videos.
Getting all these variables to work at the same time can be so difficult that many families just give up. They believe that family dinner is a good idea--they simply lack the stamina to pull it off. And then they feel guilty.
Yet the guilt and the giving up are as unnecessary as the linen tablecloth that graced your grandmother's table. The New Family Dinner is a flexible tradition that can be accomplished in myriad ways. The first step is getting rid of your preconceptions.
It doesn't have to be elaborate. If you're torturing yourself with visions of a happy family chowing down on a three-course, perfectly balanced meal, cease and desist. "I'm finally realizing that you don't have to have a gourmet meal every time," says Mo Chen, of Princeton, New Jersey, mother of Patty, 10, and Neal, 7. "You can have a tuna-fish sandwich or scrambled eggs, and that's good enough, as long as it's nutritious." Remember, the time together is much more important than the table setting or even the food.
It doesn't have to be at home. Nobody wants to spend a fortune taking the family out to fancy restaurants, but fast food can be a godsend when you're pressed for time or the logistics get complicated. The local McDonald's can provide a change of scenery even the youngest children appreciate. "When my children were preteens," recounts Dr. Doherty, "we got into the habit of going out for pizza on Friday nights. We found we had more interesting conversations and far fewer fights. You haven't had to work to fix the meal, and you're out in public, so you behave a little bit better."
It doesn't have to be Mom doing it alone. Many of us still struggle with the stereotypes we see on late-night reruns--Donna Reed in her apron (and high heels!), whipping up something tasty in the kitchen. Feeding a family is a big job, but it can be split into components that can easily be delegated: setting the table, making the salad, pouring the drinks, loading the dishwasher. "When kids are involved in preparing dinner," says Dr, Silliman, "they're invested in spending that time together."
It doesn't have to be dinner. Tom Price, coauthor of the "Working Parents' Help Book" (Peterson's 1996), suggests variations on the evening meal. "If Dad doesn't get home until 8:00, Mom and the kids can have dessert with him." Or the family meal can be breakfast--or Sunday brunch.
The key is flexibility. If you can throw out your preconceptions of what mealtime should be, then you can fashion a style of family dinner that offers regular, enjoyable time with the people you love the most.