We met with Steve [the youth pastor] today. One more meeting after this
one before confirmation Sunday. He asked if any of us had any doubts--it was like at a wedding where they ask people to speak now or forever hold their peace. I didn't say anything, and neither did anyone else.
Steve said we had already become Christians when we were baptized, but now we were claiming it for ourselves. He said our parents made our baptism vows for us and now we are reclaiming them. He also said not to worry if we have doubts, that everyone has doubts, even him, and he's a minister. God, he said, likes it when people get confirmed even if there are doubts and part of what happens on confirmation is that in return, God takes some of your doubts away. Sounds suspicious to me.
Last mtg with Steve before confirmation in 3 days when the bishop will
be here. We read through the confirmation ceremony. The bishop asks us if we renounce evil and we say yes, then he asks if we are committed to Jesus Christ and we say yes, we will follow Him as our Savior and Lord.
I can go with the evil thing--who likes evil? But I don't think Jesus was really the Lord. I mean, I have plenty of friends who don't believe he is the Lord and I think it is just ridiculous to think they would go to hell or something just for being Jewish or Unitarians. I think Jesus taught great things, but lots of people live by those things. It doesn't mean you have to be a Christian or think he is your Lord.
What should I do???? I mean, I know what I WILL do. I will stand there
next Sunday and say yes I believe all these things. I guess I say the
creed each week and I don't really believe that so this isn't really any different, I guess. But Ben and Mimi and some of the other people, I know? They take it really seriously. And it's not just us getting confirmed. There are grown-ups getting confirmed too, and I KNOW they must take it seriously or why else would they do it? They are choosing to do it. Isn't it insulting to them for me to just stand there and lie? If you really believed Jesus was your Lord, I would think it would seem like people were mocking you if they were just going through the motions and you took it really seriously.
To be continued...
Sorry I haven't written since Thursday! This weekend was the youth
group confirmation retreat--our last minute to bail out before getting confirmed. We were supposed to sit in groups and talk about what being a Christian meant and see if we were really ready to commit to it for life. Actually it was really fun, even though there was all that lame stuff. There wasn't a curfew and Cindy and I hung out with Bobby and his friend Jeff D . . .
I don't know if I should get confirmed. I mean, it's not really an option. Mom would just flip if I told her I didn't want to be. I don't even think it would be allowed. But I don't think I really believe any of this stuff. They did ask us all sorts of questions on the retreat, like whether we believe in God and who we think Jesus was and what role the church has in our lives, and I don't know how to answer any of those questions. So how can I stand there and say, "Yes, I commit to doing this. I am deciding to be a Christian." It would be so hypocritical. And didn't Jesus say he hated hypocrites?