Wisdom for Those With a Loved One Behind Bars

Finding Blessings In Sorrow

Anyone who has experienced a loved one’s arrest, trial and sentencing in prison has felt a sense of loss, pain and despair. Being sentenced to time behind bars is not only a life-altering experience for a new inmate who has to become accustomed to a harsh and new reality, it is also difficult for the families who are also a part of this painful experience. With broken hearts, those outside the prison walls are scrambling to find comfort and answers as they accept and adjust to their own new normal. Here are five points of wisdom for those with loved ones behind bars, based on the book “Waiting Together: Hope and Healing for Families of Prisoners” by award-winning author Carol Kent. You can find blessings and strength, even in the midst of pain and sorrow.

Don’t Focus On the Headlines

If you have a loved one behind bars, don’t focus on the headlines or those people who will continually remind you of your loved one’s actions and attempt to rehash your pain. There will be headlines that hurt. There will be judgment. But in the midst of that, there will be compassion. There will be people surrounding you who care about your well-being. Kent explains that in her experience with a loved one behind bars, “no matter how intense the newspaper headlines or stories about your loved one get, very soon people will get back to their own lives, their own challenges and their own agendas. They don’t have time to think continually about those with incarcerated loved ones.” At this point, you face an important choice. Allow the opinions of others to consume you, or be honest about your situation and your pain so that you can begin again.

Confront Discouragement

You will experience discouragement; you are living out the consequences of your loved one’s actions. Discouragement can produce sadness, insecurity, indifference, numbness and distrust. You will also have to deal with mental and spiritual fatigue. The process is not easy. It’s important that you confront and cure your discouragement. First, it’s important that you get rest. It may be hard to make that choice in the midst of court, visitation and your own life. But for your own health, well-being and sanity, you have to take a break from your routine. This may mean skipping an occasional visitation, particularly when other family members and friends want to go. Another way you can confront discouragement is by resisting fear. The Bible tells us “Be strong and courageous… Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God is with you” (1 Chronicles 28:20). Remember, God is with you.

Forgiveness Is A Slow Process

Forgiveness is a slow and difficult process whether you’re on the receiving or giving end. Not only do we long for our loved ones to request forgiveness, but we also hope the victim or victim’s family will see the sincerity of our inmate’s heart and verbalize forgiveness. No, forgiveness doesn’t reverse the wrongdoing, the devastation or the pain, but it can free the offended person and their family from bitterness and resentment and give your loved one a sense of peace. Matthew 5:23-24 is a powerful instruction around forgiveness: “This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.” Though forgiveness may be a slow process, it is a worthy process and we are called as Christians to practice it.