How can you go on?
What about the kids?
Children need help to cope with their grief when a parent dies. The surviving parent is usually the main one to provide the help a child needs in coming to terms with the death of the other parent. However, often the surviving parent is so involved and even incapacitated by their own grief that other family members need to jump in. Talk with the child. This may involve a lot of listening. It is very common for the child to have terrible guilt. They heard a bump in the night – if they’d jumped up and done something, anything, Daddy wouldn’t have died from the heart attack. Or they didn’t do their homework and Daddy was really disappointed – and that’s why he had the terrible accident at work. Talk to the child about “false guilt” – feeling guilty about something not their fault. Pray with them to ask forgiveness if they really did have a contributing factor – Daddy died saving them from drowning. Talk to them how Daddy’s watching from Heaven and so proud of them. But mostly listen. Calm little fears. Let tears flow. Cry with this child you love.
Be there
Hold that grieving child’s hand, look them in the eye – and make a commitment: “Listen, Buddy, we are going to miss your Dad something awful, but together we’re gonna make it. You just inherited a big brother. Now, you gotta promise to let me know whenever there’s a problem. If your mom can’t pay the electric bill, I want to hear from you. Promise me. And listen, you are going to college. You and me, we’re going to make it happen. Deal?”
What about you?
Platitudes
So, how do you deal with friends who hug you, exclaiming "Oh, well, your dad had a good life, didn't he?" Try not to get angry when they attempt to comfort you, saying, “It must have been his time!” or “God must have needed another angel!” or “He was in such pain. It’s good to know that now he’s with Jesus." Such sentiments come from aching hearts – people who care about you and don’t know how to comfort you. Accept their attempts. They love you.
What if things were bad between you?
Hold onto those memories
Remember when he held your hand and you got on the big, tall Ferris wheel together and he held you tight as the whole world spread out below you -- and you weren’t scared because you were in your Daddy’s arms.
What about your brothers and sisters?
Well, is family important?
Can you go on?
Find a close friend with whom you can talk
Some friends can’t talk to you about something like this. But ask one or two for permission to use them as sounding boards. There are also professionals you may call on: your doctor, your clergy, a counselor or your funeral director. Although your parent is physically dead, he or she will continue to live through you. The values your parent gave you will affect you – for better, or worse – for the rest of your life. Take what is good from them and incorporate it more fully into your life … and be thankful for the good you received.
It may take years
There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to grief and expressing loss. You may mourn for years. Go ahead and grieve. But focus on the positive. Remember how he stuck with teaching you how to catch? It was important to him that you be able to shag that ball from centerfield and be the hometown hero. Remember how she beamed with pride at your karate promotion ceremony? When the Sensei with the unpronounceable name proclaimed that you were a Green Belt!
Enshrine those moments
Close your eyes and remember when you did crazy things together. When you were so pleased to hear people say you looked just like him. Or the time you were terrified at the talent show and stared out at the crowd. And there, standing up to make sure you knew he was there, was your Dad. Both thumbs up. Grinning at you with delight. His eyes said, “Yes, you can do this.” And when you were done, he applauded like a lunatic as if you had won American Idol? Even though you didn’t win anything? But in the car home, he went on and on about how the judges had been paid off? And even you knew that was unlikely for a middle school talent show!
Precious memories
Or the time your mom walked all the way home with you, dragging your second-grade class’s Christmas tree that the teacher insisted she accept – since you had confessed your family had no tree? Or when your dad watched silently as you changed the brakes on your first car. He nodded approvingly when you attached the C-clamps, then cleared his throat in warning when you didn’t check the fastening clips? And proclaimed that his daughter was the only 16-year-old on the street who’d never have to go to Midas! Hold on to those memories. Nurture the wonderful.