The Secrets of Happy Marriages Lessons from the World’s Religions By Rona Cherry l Marriage Advice l Relationship Advice

Christianity

Christian communions have somewhat different beliefs about marriage. Catholics define marriage as a sacrament modeled on the union of Christ and the Church. For most Protestant dominations baptism and communion are sacraments and marriage is a covenant between people authorized by civil law.

However, Christians share a belief that marriage is a gift from God that should not be taken for granted. The care, concern and love for others as personified in the life and death of Christ is the model for the marriage relationship. “Marriage is founded on fundamental trust and care of one’s spouse, including helping their spiritual and moral growth,” says William Schweiker, Ph.D., professor at the University of Chicago Divinity School. “There’s a profound mutuality in a Christian marriage.”

The Apostle Paul’s description of love could serve as a Christian marriage manual: Love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (I Corinthians, chapter 13).

Buddhism

Buddhism is not too big on marriage since it's a monastic-based tradition. “The Buddha encouraged laymen and laywomen to live the holy life,” said Allan Lokos, founder of the Community Meditation Center, NY. “Love and marriage present the potential to form attachments and to get caught up in clinging and grasping,” detrimental to the spiritual journey.

But Buddhism also knows saffron robes aren’t for everyone. “Marriage, family, and relationships are part of the householder's life. Complete awakening is unlikely for those of us enjoying the benefits of family life.” says Lokos.

So what does that mean for couples? “We prefer in our relationships a deep feeling of love and commitment without possessiveness,” he says. “Attachment and possessiveness are similar in that each can appear to be love but ultimately are not, but instead are sources of suffering.” Married couples should respect each other’s right to pursue the highest fulfillment through spiritual evolution.

Confucianism

Confucianism believes that the most important relationship is the family, the basic unit of all humanity. But traditionally, at no point in her life was a woman expected to operate free of male control. Marriages were arranged and women had to demonstrate obedience to their husbands at every stage of life - even as widows women were required to obey their grown-up sons.

However times have changed since the establishment of the People’s Republic in 1949, says Beifeng Sun, director of the Confucius Institute at the University of Massachusetts Boston. While the family unit and the value of duty are still emphasized, “women are more economically and emotionally independent,” she says. “It’s positive progress.” Today, husbands and wives shape and reshape themselves to achieve harmonious co-existence. It’s their duty to each other and their children.

Islam

“In Islam,” says Imam Yahya Hendi, director, Muslim Life and Chaplaincy at Georgetown University, Washington, D.C., “marriage is soul-matism - a partnership of two souls, two hearts, two minds who intimately enjoy each other’s company.” Intimacy and sexual pleasure are emphasized far more in Islam than in many other religions. “How I care for your sexual pleasure, as how you care for me,” he said, “is very important in a relationship.”

The religion encourages followers to wed. Both men and women are called zawaj, Arabic for marriage. It means a pair, compatible yet still not the same. In much the same way, Islam believes there is a difference between essential male nature and essential female nature. Marriage needs the balance of what each can contribute to the partnership (though religious law mandates men to financially support the family).

Hinduism

In Hinduism, with its arranged marriages, love is mystical but rarely mushy—though tenderness can evolve between partners over time. Marriage is considered a “dharma” or sacred duty and the choice of a suitable marriage partner is a collective decision of one’s family. “From day one you are told you will marry and have children,” said e.H Rick Jarrow, Ph.D., professor of religious studies at Vassar College. “Most commonly, the family looks for the appropriate candidate. While a woman today does have veto power over a family’s choice, Jarrow says, “she recognizes there is something greater than personal likes, dislikes or even infatuation. The emphasis is on the overall happiness of the collective family.” Once married, a couple is expected to uphold family traditions, work for the material and spiritual welfare of each other, their family members, and society.