If something is worth talking about, it is worth forming crazy conspiracy theories about. That, at least, seems to be the prevailing thought process in the world today. Absolutely everything has an alternative explanation or secret level of meaning. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the Bible is no exception to those rules. The text is ancient, already possesses multiple interpretations, is written in languages with words that do not always translate well or at all and filled with cryptic messages and surreal metaphors. That does not mean, however, that every theory makes much sense with regard to the text. Some at least attempt to root themselves in theology while others are so completely off the wall that one has to wonder what exactly those people had eaten the previous day. Here are six crazy biblical theories people actually believe.
"The Bible is actually a computer code."Scholars have hunted for patterns in the Bible for centuries. One group of people, however, swears that they have found the ultimate pattern and that the Bible is actually the computer program that will give humanity control over the cryptogram of the universe. This hidden computer code, however, was encoded using a “time lock” in the ancient Hebrew to stop people from unlocking it before 2006. Apparently the ancient Israelites had great I.T. programs.
"Revelation has already passed."Some Bible theories are completely insane. Others, however, do actually have a textual basis. One of those is the theory that most, if not all, of the events described in the book of Revelation have already occurred. The Gospel, for example, has already spread throughout the entire world as it was known when the Bible was written. At that time, the world was seen as expanding only as far as the Roman Empire’s control. Similarly, the power of Israel was broken and the people scattered following the destruction of the Temple in A.D. 70. This is not a terribly popular theory among most Christians, but it does at least have a biblical basis.
"The entire Bible is a conspiracy theory."Humans love conspiracy theories. As such, perhaps it should not be surprising that they decided that the entire Bible is nothing more than a giant conspiracy meant to suppress some ancient truth. What that secret is that the ancients went to such lengths to hide varies wildly depending on who is asked. Some claim the Priory of Sion, for example, is hiding knowledge of the true descendants of Jesus. Others claim that the entire Christian religion was an invention of Rome meant to unify the empire. Still others claim that the Bible was meant to suppress Jesus’ teachings on reincarnation or the fact that Mary Magdalene was His only disciple.
"Jesus was not actually crucified or resurrected physically."This theory is actually one of the major points that kept Gnostic Christianity from being accepted in the early days of the religion. Gnostics held a variety of beliefs, but they did agree that Christ was not physically crucified or resurrected. This was likely due, in part, to the Gnostic belief that martyrdom was sinful.
What exactly happened to Jesus varied between Gnostic traditions. Some held that Jesus was crucified but that His resurrection was merely His spirit appearing before His disciples instead of His physical body. Others claim that Jesus was never actually crucified at all. Instead, it was Simon, the man who helped Christ carry the cross, who was crucified in Jesus’ place.
"Judas was actually the sacrificial lamb."Perhaps the reason this theory is not very well known is that the mere suggestion of it might be enough to have Christians, usually so mild mannered, breaking out torches and pitchforks. The apocryphal book “The Gospel of Judas” claims that Judas was not actually a traitor but the most loyal of Christ’s disciples. Judas pretended to betray Jesus at Christ’s own instructions but was secretly given Jesus’ true teachings. Other groups claim, however, that Judas was actually the sacrifice as he was the one condemned to hell while Jesus, who died on the cross, was taken into heaven. Naturally, this is contrary to the canonical Bible and wildly controversial.
"Aliens."What it is about the Bible that causes people to want to insert aliens into its every chapter is unclear, but conspiracy theories connecting the Bible to extraterrestrials abound. Some of the most popular Bible-alien theories include the idea that God and the angels are actually a super-advanced race of aliens who created humanity as a bizarre sort of bioengineering experiment, that the visions of “wheels within wheels” Ezekiel saw were actually God’s spaceships and that Jesus Himself was actually an alien-human hybrid sent by alien overlords via futuristic in-vitro fertilization. His missing 30 years were spent on the mothership learning how to manipulate humans. What the goal is of alien-Jesus learning to manipulate ancient peasants is completely unclear, but the theory remains popular despite its many holes.
There are more crazy theories about the Bible than there are books in the Scriptures. Some of them are simply unusual interpretations of what is actually written in the text. Others are no so much out of left field as they are from out of the ballpark and across the highway. Such theories do, however, have their place. Some encourage people to dig deeper into a familiar text. Others may not do much for a person’s spirituality or theological outlook, but they can provide at the very least a laugh or smile on a hard day.