5 Weird Things All Catholics Do

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Catholics are in many ways very proud of their faith. The Roman Catholic Church dates back to the earliest forms of Christianity, and any Catholic can tell you that the first Pope was none other than the Apostle Peter. When it comes down to it, Catholics can win the “my faith is older than yours” contest against any other Christian denomination with the possible exception of the Orthodox Church. Which denomination is the oldest form of Christianity would depend entirely on which side has a better claim to the united church that existed prior to the Eastern Schism.

There are many things to be proud of in Catholicism, but one of the most useful in the modern world is Catholics’ abilities to laugh at themselves. This is helpful both because life is much easier and more pleasant with a sense of humor and because Catholics have some practices that look really strange to outsiders. Doing those seemingly odd actions week after week can lead Catholics to have some pretty bizarre habits. Here are five weird things all Catholics do.

Fish on Friday, Ash on Wednesday

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Catholics are sometimes pejoratively called fish eaters. This term stems from the Catholic habit of refusing to eat meat on Fridays. The abstinence from meat on Fridays is meant to remind Catholics of Christ’s crucifixion and honor Christ who sacrificed His flesh on a Friday. As most people still prefer to have some sort of animal based protein with their meals, Catholics substitute fish on Fridays.

Not all Catholics abstain from meat on Fridays year round. Plenty of them only practice meatless Fridays during Lent. This can lead to Catholics sending each other texts reminding each other not to eat meat on Fridays, and the occasional despairing sound as a Catholic remembers that it is Friday after they have already had bacon with breakfast.

Catholics are also known for wearing ash crosses on their foreheads on Ash Wednesday. Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent, and many Catholics attend Mass and receive their ashes. Those who forget sometimes panic and draw a cross on their forehead in eyeshadow. They are normally relatively easy to spot because no priest manages to make crosses look that neat.

Automatic Responses

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People can form some interesting speech habits. Most people answer the question “how are you” with “fine” or “well, thank you” without even really registering the original question. They may have been having a wonderful or a terrible day, but their response was more automatic than completely truthful. They answered habitually.

Catholic Masses involve a great deal of call and response. The priest says one phrase and the congregation answers with a set response. After doing this for years, Catholics begin to respond automatically to those initial phrases even outside of Mass. This can lead to utter bafflement when a person grumbles “Lord, have mercy” in irritation and get an immediate repetition of “Lord, have mercy” from their Catholic friend. This is then followed by the Catholic subconsciously waiting for the next call and response phrase, “Christ, have mercy.”

No Catholic is more aware of their habitual responses than those who are fans of the “Star Wars” movies. In the movies, characters often give each other the pseudo-blessing, “May the Force be with you.” In Mass, the priest repeatedly says, “The Lord be with you.” The Catholic congregation responds, depending on whether they use the old or new responses, “and also with you” or “and with your spirit.” As such, hearing “May the Force be with you” leaves Catholics either responding automatically or floundering helplessly with what to say in response.

Sneaking Out After Communion

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Catholics often complain about the length of Mass. A Catholic Mass is far from the longest Christian service, and Catholics can generally judge pretty well how long a Mass is going to take. If it is a high Mass, most people know to settle in for a longer service. The same is true when the church is packed. As such, plenty of Catholics leave Mass directly after Communion instead of staying for the final blessing and closing song. Since Catholic Masses follow the same pattern and ritual every week, everyone knows exactly what happens at each point in the service and what they may or may not be missing.

Everyone can tell when someone is planning to leave after Communion. They walk to the front of the church casually with everyone else to receive Holy Communion after casually gathering up their purse or coat as they leave the pew. Then, when everyone else returns to their seats, the person who is leaving simply keeps walking and slips out the backdoor. The funniest part of this for Catholics is that most people who leave early sneak out the back as if they are trying to hide, when the practice is so common that most Catholics do not even blink at someone leaving early anymore.

Communion Cookies

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Catholics are simultaneously a deeply devout and completely irreverent lot. They spend a great deal of time studying before they are confirmed and become full members of the Catholic Church. Many go to Adoration and spend time praying the Rosary. At the same time, no one laughs harder at religious jokes than Catholics, and most Catholics have a favorite Catholic joke. It is from this sense of humor that Catholics sometimes joke about Holy Communion even though it is the high point and most important part of Mass. The thin wafers have been designated by many Catholics to be “Communion cookies,” and there are plenty of jokes about how Catholics get to pause Mass to have a snack. This sort of irreverent seeming humor can baffle a Catholic’s Protestant friends especially those who come from denominations where Communion is not provided every week. This idea, of course, confuses Catholics who are used to Communion being the longest part of every Mass.

C.E. Catholic Army

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If a non-Catholic attended a Catholic Mass on a random Sunday and then on Easter Sunday, Christmas Day or Christmas Eve, they would think that the congregation tripled in size on Easter and Christmas. They would not necessarily be wrong. Christmas and Easter draw mammoth crowds to Catholic churches. An outsider would likely think that this is because Catholics are bringing family members in town for the holidays or are taking advantage of the wider variety of Mass times. While both of those things contribute to the larger crowds, the vast majority of those extra people are C.E. Catholics. C.E. Catholics are those Catholics who only attend Mass on Christmas and Easter. This idea in and of itself is often baffling to Protestants, but Catholics have come to expect the sheer number of extra bodies that seem to crawl out of the woodwork twice a year. In fact, most Catholics do their best to arrive early to Christmas and Easter Mass in order to find a seat and beat the crowd. This is astounding if only because Catholics are notorious for being late to Mass. It is a running joke that Catholic services start with music simply because if Mass started with a blessing, half the church would miss it when they wandered in 10 minutes late.