BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. HYMN, RECESSIONAL: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides "gyro" and "baklava."
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not developed by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.