"There's always going to be someone out there... who doesn't believe in you or who thinks your head is too big or you're not smart enough. But those are the people you need to ignore, and those are the times you need to just keep doing what you love doing
"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
"Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances."
"Listening is more important than talking. Just hit your mark and believe what you say."
"I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good…Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder."
"Everyone looks so much better when they smile."
"You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that."
"I never sing in the shower. It's very dangerous."
"I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic."
"I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I'm like 'You know, maybe I shouldn't be a Priest.'"
"If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy."
"You're not famous until my mother has heard of you."
"Our job as comedians - especially me, as a late-night talk show, which is a broader audience - is to amplify what we think America is thinking."
"You only think of the best comeback when you leave."
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."