Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson recently ended his "massive prayer offensive" launched in response to the Supreme Court's decision to strike down a Texas law banning sodomy. "If we fast and pray and earnestly seek God's face, then He will hear our prayer and give us relief." That relief would come, Roberston hoped, when God caused certain justices to retire from the high bench. As of this writing, the Supreme Court remains unchanged.

Pat Robertson: Oh Lord! In the name of Jesus and all that is righteous and good, I beg you to answer my prayers.

God: Okay, okay. I heaaaaar you! Who's there?

Robertson: Lord, is that you? The King of Kings and Lord of Lords? The God of eternal judgment and everlasting mercy? The Host of Heaven, who sees all, knows all, and hears all prayers?

God: I am what I am, as the Good Book says.

Robertson: Lord, I believe that's "I Am Who Am."

God: Whatever. I just got back from vacation. What can I do you for?

Robertson: Well, Lord, I've been trying desperately to reach you for the past month or so..

God: I told you, I've been away. I was visiting the saints: St. John and St. Thomas, and I then sailed over to St. Martin and St. Barts, and then down to St. Lucia ..

Robertson: That's wonderful, God, but we need you back here at home.

God: Home?

Robertson: Here in America, you know, the "city upon a hill"? We've got a crisis that needs immediate divine intervention.

God: Heavens! Is it a plague?

Robertson: No, Lord, worse. It's a moral crisis.

God: Oh, I see. Is Disney World sponsoring another "Gay Days"? I've told you, I don't mind keeping the rain away from church picnics, but I'm not going to rough up Orlando over a few rainbow flags.

Robertson: I'm still a little sore about that, Lord, since you mention it. I warned Disney World that if they welcomed homosexuals, then Orlando could expect the kind of hurricanes, tornadoes, meteors and terrorist bombs that gays typically bring about. But you did nothing, which kind of makes me look bad, Lord.

God: When did I ever?

Robertson: Well, there was Sodom, Lord. That's where we get the word sodomy, after all. And you diverted that hurricane's path from my headquarters in Virginia Beach straight into Fire Island that time.

God: I had taken a condo in Virginia Beach that week. Fire Island was just an unlucky bounce.

Robertson: You nearly wiped out San Francisco with that earthquake in 1906. It was just a hundred years too early.

God: Look, I'm out of the city-destroying business. Everytime I do that recently, the Mob makes a killing on the reconstruction contracts.

Robertson: I'm not asking for a city. It's just a few people we need out of the way. The Supreme Court justices have taken another step toward turning America into Sodom, and I'm trying to stop them in their tracks.

God: What's the Supreme Court? Sounds like something I, the Supreme Being, should join..

Robertson: Lord! Haven't you been listening? It's the highest court in the land, nine justices who interpret the Constitution and have final say on all legal matters. I mounted a massive prayer offensive beseeching you to nudge a few sick and elderly justices to retire in order to make room for more conservative judges. In the name of all that is holy and sacred.

God: Let me get this straight, Pat. You want me to rig the highest court in the land?

Robertson: Well the court has been no friend to you. Since 1962 it has made a series of rulings separating church and state, ruining this Christian nation. They banned statues of Jesus in public parks. Now they want to make gay sex legal!

God: No more judges for me. I used to raise up judges, before your time. Ehud, Deborah, Gideon, Jephthah and Samson-upright and wise leaders who governed Israel and defended her against her enemies. What a headache. No one likes judges. Did the people obey them? Hardly. So I made kings. But a king is useless. He spends most of his time chasing women.

Robertson: But Justice Stevens is 83! He should be playing bingo in an old folks home, not shaping the law of the land.

God: Tell that to Methuselah. Not that he was a bad bingo player. Besides, what am I supposed to do? Rough up an old man?

Robertson: You don't have to inflict anything. Work with what you've got. Ruth Bader Ginsburg had colon cancer surgery four years ago. Can't you put her out to pasture with a little recurrence?

God: Take it from me. As a policy, don't mess with Jewish women. Look what happened to Holofernes.

Robertson: But Scripture clearly says, "I will punish them for their wicked ways and requite them for their deeds."

God: Didn't that concern people who eat bacon? In any case, the poor woman has been through enough. Can' t you have a little sympathy? You had a cancerous prostate removed earlier this year. Should I have forced you off the national stage?

Robertson: Of course not, because I haven't finished my ministry. There's no prayer in public classrooms, the Bible isn't taught in public schools, and homosexuals still hold parades. A God-fearing Christian judge in Alabama can no longer open his court sessions with prayer, and he's criticized for installing a massive monument of the Ten Commandments in his courthouse. That's just the start of it.

God: The start of it? Hmmm. Have you been to St. Croix? It's a lovely island full of wonderful beachfront homes-the perfect place to quietly enjoy one's golden years.

more from beliefnet and our partners
Close Ad