A few years ago, I learned the word “codependent.” It came
with an explanation: “It’s when, instead of basing your feelings upon yourself,
you base them upon another person. It’s like you wake up in the morning, put a
thermometer in your spouse’s mouth, and then decide how you feel based upon the
thermometer’s reading.” I could relate. When Peter is unhappy, I tend to take
his feelings upon myself, as if I’m responsible for them, even when I’m not.
And sometimes I have a hard time taking my own temperature, so to speak,
especially if someone I love has a fever.

When Penny started betraying her own codependent traits, I
got worried. I’ve written before about her desire to please the adults in her
life. She frequently asks, “Happy, Mom?” especially after she’s done something
wrong and wants to make sure she hasn’t lost favor with me. And much as it
helps bring peace to our home to have a daughter who is eager to please, I
worry that she is learning that her life is a performance. I worry that she bases
her own happiness upon the happiness of those around her.

I brought up my concerns with one of Penny’s teachers the
other day. “Well,” she said, “Maybe you could start reflecting the question
back to her. After she achieves something, instead of letting her ask if you’re
happy, just ask, ‘How does it make you
feel that you… climbed that ladder… drew that picture… controlled your hands?'”

As usual, the lessons for my four-year old are lessons for
me too. I don’t want to base my mood upon the people around me, and yet I also
want to be aware of how they are feeling and how my actions affect them. I
don’t want to be codependent, and yet I don’t want to cut myself off from the
responsibilities of my relationships. So I will try to teach Penny not only to
wonder how other people feel but also how she feels. And I’ll try to teach
myself the same thing.