Years ago, I had a phone conversation with my friend J.R. and it didn’t go well. I had planned in advance what I was going to say — as I knew she was calling me to complain about her love life. So I thought about what I would do in her situation and planned the advice I would give her. But for some reason, my advice went over like a lead balloon. She listened to what I told her, but the affect in her voice was flat and I could tell that the conversation had gone south. We ended the call and I felt lousy. Didn’t know where I had gone wrong, but I knew it was a bummer of a conversation — despite my good intentions.

Later that day, I was having a conversation with my son Michael, who is a very wise young man. I told him about my conversation with J.R. “It just didn’t go well,” I said. “I don’t know what happened. What do you think?”

He said, “Who were you being in that conversation?”

“Huh?” I replied. “What do you mean?”

“Well, there’s what you were saying — the words you were speaking. But there’s also who you were being — your attitude toward your friend. Who were you being? Were you being ‘I love you and support you no matter what you do’ or were you being ‘I know what’s good for you so let me tell you how to run your love life?’”

“Oh,” I said. “Who do you think I was being?”

“Who do you think you were being?” he replied.

“Uh … I guess I was being ‘let me tell you how to run your life,’ ” I said. “I guess I was being arrogant and condescending, acting like I know what’s best for her. I guess J.R. couldn’t hear what I was saying because of my attitude, because of who I was being.”

“Yup, pretty much,” he said. “That’s what it sounds like to me.”

I thanked him for his feedback. And I never forgot the lesson he taught me: It’s not what I’m saying — it’s “who I’m being” that makes all the difference in conversations.

Who are you being in your conversations with your friends? With your family?

Who are you being with your coworkers? With your neighbors?

Who are you being on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and other social media?

Who are you being in your conversations?