“The lover says, I cannot love anyone else, I cannot give up loving, I cannot give up this love, for it would be the death of me and I would die of love.” Soren Kierkegaard in Works of Love Many people have a fear of abandonment, but love addicts are terrified of it. They also […]
Most people have at least one person in their life who seems to be in the same horrible, dead-end relationship over and over again, but the partner seems to change. Upon a closer look, it is as if the individual is attracted to only one personality type and one that is very negative, destructive and uncaring.
Each relationship seems like “the perfect love.” It typically develops quickly after the breakup of the current bad relationship, and it escalates from a friendship or casual meeting to a full-blown love affair in record time. While this is happening Mr. or Mrs. Right becomes the object of the obsession for the codependent. At the same time, the narcissist is also showing a different side of his or her personality, going out the way to be charming, attentive, and to do everything the codependent person wants and needs to hear and experience.
The codependent, ever hoping for the perfect relationship, ignores the warning signs and the obvious repetition of a pattern she or he has seen many times before. Codependents ignore the advice of friends and family, focusing instead on building the perfect relationship this time.
Once the partnership is formalized, which may be through marriage or living together, the narcissist takes the mask off. Often it starts to slip well before this point, but the codependent is also not willing to look for the problems, so the issues, lies, manipulations and need to control goes unchecked.
When a codependent sees life as a choice between living in a kind of fantasy matrimonial romance novel or the sheer hell of being single, they become obsessed with the idea of being in a romantic relationship, no matter what the cost. When that happens, relationships pile up, becoming increasingly tangled and messy. Codependents become serial disasters because they jump in again and again without first doing the work of unearthing the trauma and issues that keep them in their cycle of addiction.
Staying in a devastating and destructive marriage or relationship is worth the pain as long as they do not need to be on their own. Additionally, it is not likely that a codependent, without support and assistance, leaves a relationship even if there is emotional, verbal and physical violence.
It is equally important to note that this cycle doesn’t just stop suddenly. Even if a codependent were to find a healthy partner, her or his codependent behaviors, relationship and personal insecurities and their inability to be autonomous in relationship drives off the healthy partner.
It is possible for codependent people to break out of a destructive relationship. Sometimes it occurs due to a violent incident, the partner finding a new love interest or sometimes due to the interventions of friends and family.
To get out of a codependent relationship, there are some important steps to take:
- Work with a therapist; it is easy to fall back into codependent behaviors. By working with a therapist to uncover the trauma and dysfunction that often formed thoughts about self-worth and control by watching parents interact with each other in unhealthy and codependent ways.
- Start focusing on you; one of the hardest things for someone with codependency to do is to focus on themselves in a positive, loving and supportive way. Taking small steps and working daily to learn about the real you and not the messages you have heard for years from emotionally abusive partners is an essential first step.
- Become a comfortable single, learning to be comfortable, confident and whole as a single person is a long-term goal in recovery from codependency. Reading, learning and working with trained professionals can help you to begin to be comfortable with yourself before you move on to trying a relationship.
It is possible to break out of the cycle of codependency. It is also hard work, but it is work that is well worth the effort.