I had a CT scan and here is the relevant passage:

“Complex solid and cystic mass in the left pelvis either representing residual neoplasm ad/or postoperative change.”

Obviously, I’m scared. I don’t want to go through anymore chemo cycles. I don’t want to lose my hair during the winter season again (it came in so nice, thick and dark with some gray), I don’t want to be tired all the time, I don’t want a new mediport, and I don’t want to put poisons in my body. I don’t care about wasting my cancer, I just don’t want it anymore.

I don’t want to be angry with God as we celebrate his gift to the world. I don’t want my focus to be on my death while we celebrate the birth of a Savior. I don’t want to have to tell my family the bad news during this time of celebration but I know I won’t be able to keep it to myself. The minute they say, “Merry Christmas” I’m sure I’ll burst into tears.
Which is what I did when I went to my oncologist’s office to pick up the CT scan. I looked around at all the sad, fearful faces in the waiting room and started crying, I didn’t want to come back. I wanted to be a survivor and only visit every three months. It’s way too soon, I didn’t get enough time of being in remission. I didn’t even make it to the second office visit. I feel cheated.
Of course this is all premature, it could be nothing more than a scar or some such thing (which is what my oncologist thinks, my surgeon thinks it’s a tumor). We will know one way or the other when I get my CA 125 number back. If it goes up, then I start chemo. If it doesn’t, then I get whatever it is biopsied.
So, I ask for your prayer. Obviously, my brothers and sisters in Christ can tell for this post that I need prayer not only for the cancer but for my attitude as well. Please pray that if it is cancer that God will enable me to accept his will and to remember his love even when I endure the very difficult and painful path that he has chosen for me to follow. I knew following Jesus wasn’t going to be easy so this shouldn’t come as a surprise:

Philippians 1:29 For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake,
Romans 8:16 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs–heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

I’ll let you know what the verdict is when I find out.

More from Beliefnet and our partners