I’m on a Jonathan Edwards kick, and I won’t apologize. Last week, we compared some of his sermon phrases to death metal lyrics. This week, we’re replacing certain words from “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” (1741) with the always-funny word pants.

Will hilarity ensue? You make the call.

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Twenty Statements from “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” That Are Pretty Funny When You Replace a Word with Pants:

+ O sinner! Consider the fearful pants you are in!

+ The pants of the wicked are in scripture compared to the troubled sea…

+ The pants of death fly unseen at noon-day; the sharpest sight cannot discern them.

+ He that stands or walks on slippery ground needs nothing but his own pants to throw him down.

+ God will not hold them up in these slippery pants any longer, but will let them go.

+ Under all the cultivations of heaven, they brought forth bitter and poisonous pants.

+ He is not only able to cast wicked pants into hell, but he can most easily do it.

+ The glittering pants are whet, and held over them, and the pit hath opened its mouth under them.

+ They belong to him; he has their pants in his possession, and under his dominion.

+ But the foolish children of men miserably delude themselves in their own pants.

+ They have deserved the fiery pants, and are already sentenced…

+ In short, they have no pants, nothing to take hold of.

+ There is nothing between you and hell but the pants.

+ The air does not willingly serve you for breathwhile you spend your life in the pants of God’s enemies.

+ There is no other reason to be given why you have not gone to hell, since you have sat here in the house of God, provoking his pure eyes by your sinful wicked pants.

+ It is the fierceness of his pants that you are exposed to.

+ We know not who they are, or in what pants they sit…

+ To see so many rejoicing and singing for joy of pants, while you have cause to mourn for sorrow of heart, and howl for vexation of spirit!

+ Men’s hearts harden, and their guilt increases apace at such a day as this, if they neglect their pants.

+ How awful are those pants.

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With you, I rejoice and sing for joy of pants. Stop me before I take it too far.