A few days back, I clicked on a Google ad somewhere linking to a book called The 100 Funniest Words in English, by Robert Beard. The book’s website listed those funny words (but without definition) and I agreed that most of them were, in fact, funny words.

It occurred to me that our lives would be better if we could work some of these words into our daily conversations, so as a public service, I would like to help you do just that. Here is a random selection of the 100 Funniest Words (according to Beard), with definitions and my own personal recommendations for usage:

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Batrachomyomachy (noun): A fight over something unimportant, or “making a mountain out of a molehill.”

Suggested usage: “Pete! Jerry! There’s no need to punch each other because you both showed up at the party wearing the same Aeropostale shirt. Nothing good ever comes from such batrachomyomachy.”

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Crapulence (noun): Sickness caused from overeating or excessive drinking.

Suggested usage: “Don’t party with Melissa. She suffers from Saturday-night crapulence and is just as likely to vomit on you as she is to do the Sprinkler with you on the dance floor.”

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Fard (verb): to paint or apply cosmetics to one’s face.

Suggested usage: “Sorry I can’t join you for the pre-game cookout. Craig and I will be in the men’s room. Gotta fard up for the big game. Because nothing shows Hoosier loyalty like facepaint.”

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Godwottery (noun): purposefully using archaic language

Suggested usage: “Kip is such a blowhard, with all that talk about sitting on his ‘divan’ and carrying his ‘satchel’ and accusing people of ‘batrachomyomachy.’ All that godwottery gets on my nerves.”

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Snollygoster (noun): a clever, unscrupulous person.

Suggested usage: “Say what you will about Bernie Madoff, but that snollygoster pulled a pretty impressive scam. I expect most of the crapulence you see on the Upper West Side is directly related to his scandal.”

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Snickersnee (noun): a knife fight.

Suggested usage: “When that Yankee snollygoster made fun of my farded face, I did what any self-respecting Red Sox fan would: I pulled out my Leatherman Micra and challenged him to a straight-up snickersnee. To the death. Obviously.”

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If you like these, I can do it more often. Because I’m all about godwottery when appropriate.