Beliefnet
Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

This is the 17th post in my series on the Law of Attraction, inspired by watching Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life, the movie, expanded version. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day!

I recently heard from Rob (name changed), a regular reader of my blog who said he definitely was a doormat but aspired “to become a recovering doormat and finally a recovered doormat!!” He said:

I was repeatedly treated unfairly at work, shouted at etc. but never had the courage to speak up. One day I abruptly left my dream job (not the best way to leave a job) and my career just started going downhill. I did not leave in the best possible way, spoke up angrily against the person who tormented me. He was senior and more powerful. It back fired and I lost all connections with my previous employer and to add fuel to the fire, this person got promoted!!

Now things are getting better. But I always have a feeling of loss, feeling of guilt (why didn’t I speak up sooner or leave silently), just a feeling of emptiness, embarrassment etc. I get very conscious when I bump into my co-workers from my previous job. I just feel that I am not the same person I used to be. I feel part of me died in the process. I want to get better. I am trying hard and just wanted to let you know that your blogs help me a lot.

I responded to Rob but said I’d write a longer response here. His situation is very common. You get angry at ongoing situations or treatment at work, or by family or neighbors or a romantic partner, etc. but don’t speak up, while stewing silently.

Silence tells the Law of Attraction that the treatment someone gives you is okay. Then it comes back to you with more treatment that you know really isn’t okay.

Each time you’re treated unfairly, a bit more anger builds up. Rob may have reached the boiling point when he abruptly left his “dream job.” Anger buildup fosters poor judgment. It’s hard to see clearly through the haze of feelings it creates.

So he burned bridges by speaking up with his anger, instead of rationally and politely explaining how he felt.

Was that unhappy situation really Rob’s “dream job”? We don’t dream about being treated unfairly or feeling lousy or unappreciated or shouted at, at work. Some of this dream sounds more like a nightmare! There’s more to a dream job than just the actual position. I have clients who defend staying because it’s what they want to do. So they put up with a disrespectful boss, a stressful work environment, hours that are too long to see their families, and more, just to stay in that “dream job.”

Leaving a bad situation is good! When you think of it as empowering, it empowers you. When you beat yourself up for doing it, that’s the energy you attract.

Staying in a job with very negative factors, despite doing work you want to do, is similar to being in a relationship and settling for a partner because he makes you feel complete or is a good financial provider; or she’s great in bed or everyone thinks you have the perfect partner because she’s attractive and a model housekeeper. But if the loving connection that solidifies a good relationship isn’t there, other factors won’t compensate in the long run. Or if he or she is abusive or nasty or controlling or treats you ike a DoorMat, you’re settling to be in a relationship.

It’s the same with work. While you can’t have it all, if your job is what you like doing but the environment is negative or aggravating or toxic, it’s time to leave!

Rob focused too much on the importance of being in that “dream job.” But it’s not a dream if you’re not happy in it. It’s frustrating to love the work but not like how you’re treated. It’s like finding a perfect apartment after looking for ages BUT, the neighbor above you clomps around, disturbing your sleep and peace of mind. Despite all the perks of your living space, you’re not happy from the noise.

If speaking up politely doesn’t change your situation, it’s time to move!

I prefer to speak up first, but nicely, not in a confrontational way. When my upstairs neighbor was noisy, I nicely explained, consistently, how it affected me. His family quieted down. Talk to people at work if things aren’t right. If your boss is unfair, go to him with a list of specific grievances, and a smile. But if none of this works, wake up from your dream and leave. Rob waited for his breaking point. It’s better to leave on good terms.

But, if you do leave after mishandling the situation like Rob did, get rid of the anger and remorse. It’s OVER!! NOW is all that matters and now you have new choices.

You’re living in the past if you wallow in regret, since you can’t change it. Why let it hold you back or hurt yourself more than you already were? That’s YOUR CHOICE, not a sentence! It’s always best to go forward instead of looking back. Otherwise, you can beat yourself up with thoughts like:

* ”Why did I do that?”
* ”That was so stupid of me”
* ”How I wish I could undo what I did!”
* ”Maybe it would be different if I’d……”
* ”Now I’m screwed.”

Meanwhile, the Universe picks up on these thoughts and guess what you get back?!? More of the same thoughts and bad vibes. Looking back with what ifs and regret and wishing you’d done things differently is wasted energy. LEARN from mistakes instead of beating yourself up. Ask:

* How did I speak to the person I alientated? LESSON: “I must force myself to speak more politely next time.” Letting anger motivate your tone creates remorse after. You may have momentary relief at releasing anger, resentment and frustration. But it will turn into thoughts that will bring you down.

* What did I say that caused a problem? LESSON: “I must think and plan before I speak out in a situation that’s important.” Anger creates evil thoughts at the moment it gets unleashed. And it makes you irrational—saying what will later make you look back and think, “what the heck did I do?” If you write down your feelings and figure out words to express them, you can get your point across in more effective ways that eliminate a need to kick yourself in the butt later!

* What’s making me most angry? LESSON: “I must figure out what’s truly causing my anger and address that.” Sometimes you may express what really isn’t the direct cause of your anger. Or you may explode at something insignificant because a bigger issue gnaws at you. Take time to figure out what’s so annoying. Does your boss remind you of a controlling father or romantic partner who criticizes? Or are you angry at yourself for allowing unacceptable behavior to continue for too long?

Once you see the LESSONS in the behavior you regret, let it go and focus
on moving forward to make your situation good.
Rob still suffers from residuals of leaving his “dream job.” That only results in feeling bad and prevents the Law of Attraction from bringing the good opportunities he deserves. You all deserve the best and would get it if you accept it! I now have. When I was a DoorMat, my thoughts attracted poor treatment and experiences.

It’s hard to feel good if you always feel wrong on some level.

Now that I’ve recovered, I know my worth and EXPECT to have good things happen. The Law of Attraction responds with them. And so to Rob, and all of you who still have this kind of problem, I recommend taking the steps to heal any wounds from guilt or remorse about past mistakes or ill-advised actions:

* Let go of anger. Rob is still angry. The guy who provoked him got a promotion while his life fell apart. But that’s history. Write a letter to the person with every detail about how your feel, express forgiveness, read it aloud and then burn it. When you let go of the anger, you attract more positives. I discuss this in my post, Trading Anger for Compassion.

* Express gratitude for the good lesson. Learning is ALWAYS good! Feel gratitude that you’re more enlightened now. Gratitude attracts more things to be grateful for.

* Adjust any guilt or remorse you feel. IT’S OVER and serves no purpose! Accept that it’s impossible to go back and change what happened. Read my Lightening Guilt Part 1 and Part 2. Rob needs to let go of what ifs. NOW is what counts and NOW you can choose to live your life on a forward track. The embarrassment, shame, guilt, regret you might feel in these kinds of circumstances matters to no one but you. And it just attracts more, unnecessarily. Love yourself enough—however slowly—to let go of it.

* Forgive yourself for being human. Self-forgiveness is CRITICAL for moving on. You may not feel forgiving right now but say to yourself, “I love me enough to forgive me.” Over and over. Self-love takes time to develop but it can in anyone. That’s what fueled my exit from DoorMatville. I hated myself when I began but said, “I love you” in the mirror, even though I didn’t. Eventually it sticks. Then self-forgiveness is easier. Keep trying. It’s worth it!

* Do something nice for you. Be more loving to yourself. Treat YOU to something special. When you do, say “I deserve this!” Being more loving is a good catalyst for self-love. The more self-love you feel, the easier it is to let go of old hurts and regrets. I love me now enough to not want to hurt myself. You can reach this place too!

* Reclaim your spirit. Rob says he feels like he’s not the same person and that part of him died in the process. Sometimes we lose old parts of ourselves. I’m not the girl who got stepped on as a DoorMat. That’s good! But I am still me. Your spirit can feel wounded or lost when you’re looking back at negatives. Push forward! See it as a good thing and as you heal, allow your spirit to blossom on a healthier level.

* Force yourself to walk tall. If you see someone from your past experience, fake confidence and act like you’re doing well. They’ve probably forgotten. If asked how you’re doing, “Terrific!” They get their cues from you. If you show them a positive front, they’ll assume you moved on from the incident. So get movin’!

* Be patient! This is a process. I felt like I was shedding an old skin as I became an empowered woman. It took me years, but there was progress in each little step. Rejoice in each bit instead of wishing for more. Remember that gratitude brings more to be grateful for!

The old DoorMat is gone but I’m still me—in a healthier package—inside and out. I know that Rob can rejuvenate his soul and become a happier person than he was before—just different. Focus on NOW. Be kinder to you NOW. List your good qualities and hold them in your heart as you go after your healthy dreams—living a life you love, in a job that is a dream because you enjoy the work and the people around you, and feeling kindness around you because YOU’re being kind to YOU. Let the Law of Attraction bring you lots of goodies by adjusting your thoughts to bring them in.

Life after being a DoorMat is a process that brings so many rewards. Please join me! ?

Law of Attraction in Action Series
Law of Attraction in Action: Concrete Use of This Power
Law of Attraction in Action: Service People
Law of Attraction in Action: Kindness
Law of Attraction in Action: Easing Your Way to Joy
Law of Attraction in Action: Smiling in Your Mirror of Other People
Law of Attraction in Action: Age
Law of Attraction in Action: Who Are You?
Law of Attraction in Action: Revenge
Law of Attraction in Action: Too Blessed to Be Stressed
Law of Attraction in Action: Recovering Your Health

Law of Attraction in Action: Respect
Law of Attraction in Action: Miracles Part 1
Law of Attraction in Action: Miracles Part 2
Law of Attraction in Action: Clear Intentions
Law of Attraction in Action: Luck
Law of Attraction in Action: Criticism

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