There are 12 million people (give or take) illegally in America. Because they are here illegally and because they are poor and end up on welfare, some argue, they should be shipped home. Let’s move on from such details as to why they are here – their labor is needed by corporations to keep our luxurious standard of living as cheap as possible, politicians who have talked about strengthening our borders got elected and did nothing about them (among other reasons). In short, there are lots of illegal Americans because we have never been all that serious about immigration laws. So, in that spirit, here are some thoughts on how to handle lots of illegal Americans:

– fine every driver who breaks the speed limit $100 per mile over. They are illegal. I’m sure our satellites can manage that. Since they are illegal they should be punished (in a way that makes a point for the egregious breaking of such important laws) and the money can be used to pay for any extra welfare costs. There are well over 150 million American drivers, just think how many of them are dangerously illegal. Repeat offenders should be deported to places with no cars or places with no speed limits.

– let’s audit every single American to make sure that every one is legal in their taxes – no overstating of a single deduction, exemption, or allowance. We wouldn’t want “illegal” American tax payers. Let’s triple tax any violation just so pernicious illegal Americans will get the message. Repeat offenders should be deported.

– we can’t forget about people who rip off those mattress tags that say they shouldn’t be ripped off. Doing so is illegal and creates more illegal Americans. Serious fines are in order. I think repeated violations should be subject to deportation to countries where they have no mattresses. A clear message needs to be sent to illegal Americans.

– let’s crack down on every single person who has ever shared any prescription pill with another person. Any prescription antacid, pain killer, antibiotic, or anti-toe fungus that has been shared is a violation of federal law. People doing so are illegal Americans. Let’s jail them. It will send a message.

By cracking down on illegal Americans we will have a much cleaner and less populated country of true legal Americans – all million of them (not including children who, I suppose, will just be left to fend for themselves since their illegal parents will probably be living in another country).