Idol Chatter

amywinehouse.jpgSome celebrities had a memorable 2007, but “memorable” isn’t always synonymous with “good.” This year, Dena Ross and Lilit Marcus have rounded up a dozen famous folks who need to get their act together in 2008, and helpfully suggested some resolutions for them.
Amy Winehouse
This year hasn’t been too great for Winehouse. Sure, she achieved much success with her 2006 album, “Back to Black”—particularly with the aptly titled single, “Rehab,” but her personal life has been spiraling out of control. Her eating disorder, drug and alcohol additions, and unhealthy relationship with fellow junkie/soulmate/currently jailed husband Blake Fielder-Civil was regular tabloid fodder. She was recently was photographed wandering around in the middle of the night with only a bra and jeans on, causing her mother to make a public plea for her to come home and clean up her act. And, surprise, surprise, she was just arrested for “perverting justice” in connection with her husband’s charge, a bribery plot.
Suggested Resolution: Please say “Yes, yes, yes” to rehab so that your amazing talent doesn’t go to waste (a la Janis Joplin), then dump your enabler hubby to ensure your sobriety.
Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears
What hasn’t happened to Britney this year? She dumped husband Kevin Federline, was in and out of rehab, got photographed multiple times sans underwear, became estranged from her mom, fired her manager and publicist, and lost custody of her two sons. Then, little sister Jamie Lynn shocked everyone (including, apparently, her own mom) by announcing her pregnancy in OK! magazine. Jamie Lynn is just 16, and her boyfriend is 19.
Suggested Resolution: Britney, buy some underwear—we know you can afford it. Lose Paris Hilton’s phone number. Hire a driver. And maybe take a year off from Hollywood. Jamie Lynn, you should probably start interviewing nannies now. Or at least look into raising your kid far away from your messed-up family if you want him or her to have a chance at a normal life.
Paris Hilton
America’s favorite celebutante and the “star” of the soon-to-be-released “The Hottie and the Nottie” was the most notable celebrity this year to serve time in jail. Although the heiress was originally sentenced to 45 days in the slammer, a Los Angeles County Sheriff took the law into his own hands and released her early, “reassigning” her to house arrest. The judge was peeved and hours later, made her go back to jail to finish her sentence. Paris threw a tantrum–while advocates of justice cheered. She has since promised that she will devote her life to charitable causes and has a trip to Rwanda planned for 2008 (she was actually supposed to go this year, but I’m sure there was an important party she needed to attend). In the meantime, she has taken up pole dancing.
Suggested Resolution: Get off the pole and start doing more localized—less publicized—charity work. Help out at a soup kitchen, or take some of the money you would have spent on a shopping trip and buy some toys for the sick children at your local hospital. Oh, and you know you don’t have to go to every party you’re invited to, right? Chill out.

OJ Simpson
Possibly the most hated man in America, OJ relocated to Florida after his acquittal. But he was back in the news in 2007 when he was arrested in Las Vegas for breaking into a hotel room to steal some of his sports memorabilia from a collector. His book “If I Did It” was finally released this year amid lots of controversy, but all the money went to the family of Ron Goldman.
Suggested Resolution: First order of business is trying to get exonerated for this latest arrest, which means assembling another crack team of lawyers. But he should also focus on redeeming his public perception. Maybe it’s time to give up all his worldly goods and become a monk? Or at least find the real killer once and for all?
Foxy Brown
For most of the year it seemed like every other day, wild rapper Inga Marchand, aka Foxy Brown, was getting into trouble with the law—though her legal issues actually span over 10 years. This year along, she’s been arrested for spitting on and throwing hair glue at an employee at a Florida beauty supply store, assaulted her Brooklyn, NY neighbor with a BlackBerry, failed to appear in court a number of times, in addition to a variety of other parole violations. She was finally sentenced to a year in jail in September, where she has been less than a model inmate. She was given a lengthy stay in solitary confinement after a physical altercation with another inmate and has been uncooperative with corrections officers.
Suggested Resolution: Try some meditation and yoga while in jail to calm your mind, body, and spirit. If you are ever released from the pen, take some anger management classes.
Lindsay and Dina Lohan
Everyone knows about Lindsay’s chaotic 2007: she was busted for a DUI and drugs, spent time in rehab, and had a brief jail stint. But her enabling “Momager” Dina hasn’t helped the situation, partying as much as her daughter—and sometimes with her.
Suggested Resolutions: For Dina, take some parenting classes and realize it’s OK to be your daughter’s mother instead of her best friend. For Lindsay, get clean and stay that way. Then pick a movie project that will help rehabilitate your floundering career. “Mean Girls 2”, anyone?
Phil Spector
This year the legendary record producer and songwriter was known less for his music than for being on trial for the murder of B-movie actress Lana Clarkson. Although the eccentric, wild-haired, crazy-eyed Spector claimed Clarkson accidently shot herself, he allegedly told his chauffeur with gun in hand, “I think I killed somebody.” In September, a mistrial was declared, but plans are being made to retry him immediately.
Suggested Resolution: Stop dressing like Austin Powers so that jurors take you more seriously. Also, stop killing people.
Isiah Thomas
The head coach and president of the New York Knicks was sued this year by colleague Anucha Browne Sanders, who claimed Thomas had sexually harassed and demeaned her—by calling her a “bitch” and a “ho”—words he initially said were OK to use toward black women by black men—then later retracted and said they shouldn’t be against women at all. Thomas then fired Sanders after she publicly complained. Sanders recently won the case and walked away with a cool $11.5 million.
Suggested Resolution: Stop being a bitch. The next time Madison Square Garden has a sexual harassment in the workplace seminar, go.
Mindy McCready
Former country-music It girl Mindy McCready has not had a great year. On probation for previous offenses, McCready was busted driving without a license—and with painkiller OxyContin. She also got into a scuffle with her own mother where she reportedly scratched her mom’s face. For violating probation, she was sentenced to a year in jail.
Suggested Resolution: Get out of prison. Get a life coach—or a therapist. And once you’re clean, apologize to your mother. Maybe she’ll help you raise your son.
Michael Vick
The suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback is currently serving a 23-month sentence in federal jail for his role in a dog fighting operation at his Virginia home. He may also face additional charges next year from the state. Plus, not only does Vick like torturing doggies, he apparently likes toking doobies—he failed a random drug test before his sentencing. Many sports experts believe this is the end of Vick’s football career.
Suggested Resolution: Take up boxing. When you’re finally released from jail, host a celebrity boxing match for the animal charity of your choice. Be sure to pit yourself against someone in a weight class or two above you. Perhaps Mike Tyson—after you’ve taken away his drugs.
Kim Kardashian
After socialite and friend-of-Paris Kim Kardashian “accidentally” had a sex tape released in 2006, she claimed to be embarrassed and vowed to rehabilitate her image. But all Kim did in 2007 was pose nude for Playboy and star in the horrifyingly bad E! reality show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”, where Kim stood around posing for the camera while one sister was arrested for drunk driving and another had a pregnancy scare.
Suggested Resolution: Get a job that lets you keep your clothes on.
Isaiah Washington
Isaiah Washington was riding high as a star of the hit TV show “Grey’s Anatomy” until he got into a scuffle with a cast member and referred to gay costar T.R. Knight as a “faggot.” He was then fired from the show, and his character was unceremoniously written off during summer hiatus. He then landed a role on “The Bionic Woman,” only to get killed off.
Suggested Resolution: You’ve already made one step in the right direction by publicly apologizing and appearing in a GLAAD commercial. In 2008, try to get steadier work, and let your acting do the talking.

Join the Discussion
comments powered by Disqus