It’s difficult to tell who is more self-indulgently indifferent to Lindsay Lohan’s problem: the tabloids that denigrate her as a pop tart while devoting their front pages or kindly pastors who publicly urge her to turn to Jesus–strike that, turn to them, so they can lead her to Jesus. This week Lohan’s been offered healing help by not one but two self-appointed saviors–a Christian prison minister named Marty Angelo and Mark Dice, the man who credits himself with influencing Paris Hilton’s conversion (he held a “Pray for Paris Party” at the Beverly Hills Hilton while Paris was in jail). Angelo is made of sterner stuff: He’s offering to serve Lohan’s presumed prison sentence in her stead if she submits to a faith-based treatment program.

Not much has been revealed specifically about Lohan’s treatment at Promises, a plush rehab center in Malibu, but if the Associated Press has it right that it follows A.A.’s 12-Step tradition, Lohan has already been advised to seek the help of a higher power, and having been raised a Roman Catholic, she’s probably got one all picked out. Lohan recently said her favorite reading material these days is Machiavelli. With the tabs on one side and pontificating preachers on the other, a girl could do worse.