How Great Thou Part

It is late. I fidget as I try to fall asleep..picking up my phone here and there. This is my new routine. This is what the stress of divorce has done to my nights.

A text pops up.

I read it and tell myself not to cry. It’s not a bad text.

It’s actually a friendship text only it’s a middle of the road text and frankly, this isn’t a middle of the road divorce. I just don’t wish to speak about the overt aspects of it. Simply and vaguely put…I was raised with a strong, simple and unquestionable, value system. There is right and there is wrong and there are no exceptions to that. Divorce; therefore, is not an excuse for bad behavior. This divorce has brought such unexpected behavior and consequences, that I often wonder if I would have retained an attorney had I known what would happen when I did so.

I put my phone down and bury my head into the pillow.

“Don’t cry,” I say to myself. “Do not cry – enough is enough! No more tears!”

I think about my friend ‘Crystal.’ One day when ‘Crystal’ was worried about something her mother said, “Crystal, DO NOT let those people hurt you anymore.”

I remind myself of this mantra as I have many times before because it’s simple, direct and spoken from the heart of a mother. One who knew her daughter needed to self-protect her heart. I think my mom would have said something quite similar.

I text Crystal. She calls.

“You need to just not let it bother you and accept people for who they are,” says ‘Crystal.’

“Crystal’ is trying to make me feel better. I know she is saying a version of what her mother told her to me. That in order to not be hurt, I must recognize that a person is who they are, accept that and not let them hurt me.

I hang up the phone. Thankfully, ‘Crystal’ has made me feel better.

I start thinking about our conversation…about how my whole life I was actually strong and confident enough to accept those I loved for who they are.

Therein, lies the irony. I did like and accept people for who they are. When I was happy, I just didn’t have the emotional vulnerability to really need people so it was easy. In sadness, the emotional need is great and I need people more and I need them to be the best I always saw in them.

I start to fight the tears again. The sadness is making me see a few people more clearly.

I spent years looking beyond some bad behavior or personality traits and
still seeing someone for who they truly are – Now when I behaved badly, a few don’t seem to have the ability to see beyond mine. So painful! Because when you love someone you always still see the best in them. You always remember who they are!

The tears well up again. The text once again frustrates me. I feel myself shouting out internally.

Don’t you recognize me?
I am still the same person!
Can’t you see that!
Can’t you see the truth?
Don’t you still love me even though you may not like me right now?
Won’t you still fight for me?
How can you be standing in the middle of the road?

If my temporary sadness makes you uncertain of the truth and who I still am – Please know that it happened because I loved another person so much that I didn’t walk away soon enough. There was no malice, no intent in my self-destruction.

I know. I know. I should have walked away sooner while you still saw things clearly – both me and the truth. Before it became clouded by staying too long and truths being rewritten.

Only here’s the thing. I never imagined that I married someone who didn’t love me enough and would not fight for us.

I kept waiting for him to come around. I kept recognizing him. I kept believing he was the same person. I kept seeing the truth in him overall. I kept loving him even though I didn’t like him. I kept fighting for him.

This is the kind of friend that I am.
I will always love you for exactly who you are.

If I know you. I will not forget you. I will not fail to recognize you even at your worst. I will always believe in you and your truth. I will always love you even when I may not like you. I will always fight for you.

I will never be in the middle of the road.
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