How Great Thou Part

It is Saturday and I am meeting a friend at our local coffee shop. We sit at a table in the corner. The fireplace next to us adds warmth to this cold winter morning.

We clutch our coffee cups as we chat with a friend at the table next to us. We are talking about all things life. It is one of the best way to learn through the eyes and soul of others. It often offers us a perspective that we are lacking. The conversation has drifted to helping others through difficult times.

“I don’t want anyone to rescue me,” I say.

“I think that is a question you need to ask yourself. Why don’t you want others to rescue you?” Our friend asks me. She asks this in part because someone that she loves is suffering the effects of divorce and she would like to help them.

I know that this is a good question for which I have no answer. My family and friends have asked me why I am resistant to accepting help and one of my friends has really dug deep to try and get me to accept it. She will remind me of all the things I did to help others and will explain that she is baffled that I won’t accept more help.

“I think it’s about self-respect for me,” I respond.

“It makes me feel good to help others,” She says.

We keep chatting about other things. I know that later I will need to reflect on this question and I do.

I am not comfortable accepting help because I have a long history of not only solving my own problems, but of solving other people’s problems as well. It has always made me feel good to help others, yet I am resistant to offer others this feeling. It isn’t pride though I am sure it may appear this way. On the contrary, I am not comfortable with my family and friends worrying about me because I feel that it takes them away from their own families which should be their greater focus. I believe it burdens them.

Additionally, I did ask for help for one thing only the rest of the things I did not ask for help for because I felt that I could handle them. I knew I may not be able to handle them right away, but I felt that I would be able to with time. I have tried to hold onto my faith and belief that everything happens for a reason and that I would find my way.

I realize now that in my attempt to under-burden those that love me that I have in fact over-burdened them. Life is an ebb and flow. Even the rescuer needs to be rescued.

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