Is there a difficult person in your life? You know the aunt who argues every point, the boss who constantly criticizes your work, the mother who plays the martyr, or the neighbor who always seems to be looking for trouble. Just thinking about interacting with that person may raise your stress level.

But what makes someone so difficult?

Difficult behavior rarely develops overnight. Sometimes it is rooted in early attachment experiences, emotional neglect, trauma, significant loss, or unhealthy patterns learned over time. People may also develop habits of blaming others, refusing responsibility, or using anger to protect themselves from feelings they find harder to tolerate.

Conflict science helps us understand why these interactions can become so intense. When people feel criticized, rejected, disrespected, or threatened, the brain’s threat-detection systems can become activated. The body shifts into a stress response: heart rate may increase, muscles tense, and stress hormones are released. As emotional arousal rises, it becomes harder to think flexibly, listen carefully, regulate emotions, and see another person’s perspective. In other words, when the emotional brain takes over, productive problem-solving becomes more difficult.

For some difficult people, anger also becomes a way to create distance, maintain control, or protect against vulnerability. A simple disagreement may feel like a personal attack. And once they become defensive, almost anything you say can fuel the conflict.

So, what can you do? As I discuss in my book We Need to Talk, you may not be able to change a difficult person, but you can change how you respond.

1. Don’t tell them, “You’re so difficult!”
Tempting? Yes. Helpful? No. Labeling someone usually increases defensiveness. Instead, remain calm, listen, and acknowledge what you can: “I can see you’re frustrated.” Empathy doesn’t mean agreement. It simply communicates that you are listening.

2. Don’t get pulled into proving you’re right.
When conflict becomes a battle over who wins, everyone usually loses. State your position clearly but resist the urge to argue every point.

3. Assess your safety.
If the person becomes threatening or out of control, stop the conversation. Your goal is not to resolve an issue at any cost. Take a time-out or leave the situation when necessary.

4. Stay focused on the issue.
Difficult people may blame, accuse, or bring up every mistake you’ve made since 1995! Don’t take the bait. Calmly return to the specific problem you are trying to solve.

5. Choose your battles.
Not every irritating comment requires a response. Ask yourself: Does this really need to be addressed? Sometimes letting go is the wisest choice.

6. Don’t recruit an army.
Bringing other people into the conflict to prove you’re right can intensify the problem. Unless outside help is truly needed, deal directly with the person and the issue.

7. Know when to pause.
When voices rise and emotions escalate, the brain needs time to settle. Try saying, “We’re both getting worked up. Let’s take a break and come back to this when we’re calmer.” A time-out isn’t avoidance when you intentionally return to the conversation later.

None of this is easy, especially when someone knows exactly how to push your buttons. But Jesus gave us the challenging command to love our neighbor, and, yes, our “neighbor” includes difficult people.

Loving a difficult person doesn’t mean tolerating abuse, abandoning boundaries, or agreeing with bad behavior. Sometimes love looks like empathy. Sometimes it looks like calmly speaking the truth. And sometimes it means stepping away and setting a firm boundary.

You may not be able to change the difficult person in your life. But with God’s help, you can choose not to let their behavior determine yours.