Couples come to therapy with this complaint. I do nice things for my spouse, but it doesn’t seem to matter. She doesn’t even notice. I don’t get it.

Honestly, they usually don’t get it. They fail to see that prior negativity in the relationship cancels out the good when it happens. I know that doesn’t sound fair, but an on-going negative relationship depletes the positives over time. Then, when there is a positive, it can be ignored. All the negativity overshadows a good moment.

For example, in an overall positive relationship, if a husband comes home and forgets to bring the bread for dinner, the wife would probably think,
“Oh, he must have had a lot on his mind and just forgot. No worries. We can do without bread.”

But if that same relationship is already very negative and the same thing happened, the wife might think, “See, he only thinks of himself. I can’t depend on him.”

In fact, research tells us that 50% of positive gestures go unrecognized in couples characterized by negativity. The reason–there is too much negativity in the bank. Even neutral actions are seen as negative. Basically, the partner is confirming an already negative relationship by interpreting neutral actions as negative.

So what can you do in a relationship where there is so much bad blood, it’s going even more negative?

• Go back to the basics. Evaluate your friendship. Do you spend time together doing fun and enjoyable things? If not, make that a goal.
• Show admiration and respect for your partner. Compliment, reinforce positive behavior and have more positives than negatives in a day. The rule is 5 to 1 positives for every negative. Look for things to praise or point out that you respect, are grateful for, or simply notice. Say those things often.
• Be there when he or she tries to connect with you. Don’t turn away when frustrated. Stay in the moment, calm yourself and talk. This will help create feelings of safety and trust. It also shows you care and are in touch with your partner emotionally.
• Keep criticism, defensiveness and disrespect at bay. These are destructive to any relationship and known as relationship killers. Think about how often you do any of the above and make it a point to stop those behaviors now. They only add fuel to the fire.
• Remember why you got together in the first place and try to recapture some of that good feeling! Talk about positive past memories.. your wedding day, the birth of your children, a memorable vacation…anything that will bring a smile, a positive emotion and point of positive connection.

The challenge is to deposit  positives into that emotional bank account. It’s depleted and needs multiple deposits. Over time, you can turn it around. But you have to be intentional. If you struggle with changing negative patterns, see a couple’s therapist who can help break those patterns. Over time, you can change negative feelings to positive.