A deacon sent this along, from a Presbyterian elder who works with him in ministry at an assisted living facility. “It’s from the ‘Church Wellness Report,’,” he wrote, “and I really think it ought to be read by every priest and deacon in our church as well. There is a lot of wisdom here.”

I agree.

Take a look:

A Facebook group to which I belong recently held a discussion of loneliness among senior pastors.

People commented that pastors tend to have few friends — someone with whom they can be relaxed and just themselves — that they spend their public time needing to be guarded about what they say and wary of being judged for superficials such as their attire, and that their work is so demanding that they rarely have time for friendships outside the congregation.

It isn’t just senior pastors, said participants, but all clergy, and indeed most organizational leaders and politicians. Something about leadership leaves them cut off from sustaining friendships, even from their families.

My contribution to the discussion was to say this:

* Number one need is to have a life outside church. A life filled with non-church activities and non-church friends, where the pastor can be just a guy or gal. If the pastor has a family, that life outside church should put family first. Children need a parent, not a role model standing in a pulpit.

* Number two is to have healthy boundaries, where church work ends and rest-of-life begins. Fuzzy boundaries lead to loneliness.

* Number three is to have realistic expectations of church members. To them, the senior pastor is never out of role. True intimacy with church members tends to be problemmatical.

Loneliness takes a serious toll. It can lead to sadness and depression. It can lead to boundary problems, acting out and inapropriate behavior. It can sap the pastor’s energy and self-confidence.

Some laity impose loneliness as a way of keeping the clergy under control. Most, I think, contribute to the loneliness unwittingly, by making comments that depict the pastor as a curiosity, by not including the pastor in certain activities, by having stilted conversations when the pastor is around, and by letting the pastor know that his or her actions are being watched and discussed.

Politicians learn to exploit such behavior — although they get into boundary troubles — and celebrities ride it to the bank. Clergy occupy a strange middle ground: needing to be political but not blessed with a politician’s thick skin; serving as a local celebrity but not equipped to manage the spotlight.

As church staffs shrink and judicatories provide less collegiality to clergy, the loneliness is likely to worsen. I think that dealing with loneliness should be a primary task for any pastor.

— Tom Ehrich

What do you think??