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Happy Father’s Day! I wrote the following Father’s Day post for my friends at Halogen.tv. You could go read it there today or, um, just stay here to read it. Your call.
It’s Father’s Day. I briefly considered writing some kind of Father’s Day Top Ten list, but then a quick fit of Googling told me that approximately 71 million other bloggers have done this already. Those first 71 million lists may be necessary, but adding the 71,000,001st one seems a bit much.
But I quickly got over that hesitation, because time is precious. Having already wasted a few hours browsing those millions of lists, I decided just to assemble a top ten list of the Internet’s Father’s Day top ten lists. It’s very meta. Enjoy.
10. Ten Things Never to Say to Your Dad While He is Driving: Look, your dad’s not getting any younger. His eyesight is deteriorating and his reaction times are edging more toward the tortoise than the hare. Dude needs to concentrate behind the wheel. So don’t say any of these ten things to him when you’re on the road together. In fact, I’d suggest not saying any of these things to him, ever. “Don’t get mad but I got kicked out of school” is rarely a good conversation-starter.
9. Ten Best iPhone Apps for Dad: Does your dad have a smart phone? Does he sit and stare at it any free chance he gets, often to the detriment of his family? Check out this list of the ten best iPhone apps for fathers. It’s from 2009, so it’s probably way out of date. But when you give him that iTunes gift card, you can be ready with some suggestions.
8. Ten Things to Do on Father’s Day: A list for dads of stuff they should do with their kids on Father’s Day, from “plant something that grows” to “let them style your hair.” One suggestion is “teach the little ones one of your tricks.” Get ready, moms, for a symphony of alphabet-burping around the Father’s Day lunch table.
7. Ten Gifts for Your Meat-Lovin’ Dad: The first gift you should give your dad on Father’s Day is an immediate refusal to refer to him — or anyone, really — as “meat-lovin’.” There is no inflection you can give that phrase that doesn’t make me feel icky. As for follow-up gifts, it’s hard to go wrong with this grill-friendly list. It’ll make you hungry.
6. Ten Green Gifts for Father’s Day: Um, how sustainable is that polyester tie you just picked up? Get dad something with the potential to save the world with this list of eco-friendly Father’s Day gifts. Whether your pop is green or not, he’s bound to be impressed by a Husqvarna Solar-Powered Automower (along with the $3000 you spent on it).
5. Ten Gifts for the Digital Dad: Right in the middle of this list of gift ideas for geek dads is the only phrase you need to hear this season: “The iGrill is a meat thermometer on steroids” (#6). You’re welcome.
4. Ten Cars Your Father Loved: Now we’re talking gift ideas with this photo gallery of classic rides. Your dad doesn’t want another gift card for Father’s Day. He wants a 1965 Shelby Cobra! Start saving, kids.
3. Ten Money Lessons from Dad: No gift ideas here, unless the best gift you could give your father is actually taking his advice. And there’s some excellent financial advice in this piece, culminating with “Don’t spend it if you don’t got it.” Keep at it for a few decades and you can buy him that Cobra.
2. Ten Things a New Dad Shouldn’t Do: This won’t help you with any gift-giving, but it might keep you from getting peed upon the first time you change a diaper. Best to learn that lesson in advance, along with nine other tips for new fathers.
1. Ten Excuses for Not Getting Your Dad a Father’s Day Gift: This should come in handy for those of you who have read to the bottom of this post and clicked through all the links. Because we know you’re either a) procrastinating or b) desperate to find a last-minute gift. At least now you have some excuses for your present-less-ness. I’d go with #8: “In light of our nation’s economic situation, an extravagant gift would be in poor taste.”
Happy Father’s Day.