Since the self-solituding began for me five weeks ago, I find myself in the delicate balance between sheer terror and complete faith that all is well, even if it looks like the farthest thing from the truth. Having been through major losses (my husband, both parents and two dear friends in the past 21 years), […]
On a recent call with coach Kc Rossi, I experienced a major revelation. We were focused on the transformation I desired to make in my professional life. In the past four decades, I have become what I call ‘professionally polyamorous,’ meaning that I have had multiple overlapping jobs as a therapist, writer, speaker, healer, editor, coach, and minister. Sometimes I have been employed by others, so I had a consistent paycheck. Presently, I am a freelancer/contractor with unpredictable income. Trust is a huge factor in my life. Fear creeps in when I have wondered if I will ever be able to retire. As long as I can speak, type and write, I never need to. My friend Janet has reminded me that I ‘live in surplus,’ since I have always had more than enough to surpass ‘just getting by.’ And yet….
Kc had asked me about a job I had back in 2014-2015, for which I was paid more than I ever had as a Social Worker. It was the ideal situation since it showed up right before the heart attack and enabled me to work from home as a web content writer for a company that owned drug and alcohol rehabs and I could make my own hours. An even more amazing fact was that this job found me. My boss had been reading my blogs and asked me to work for the company. I had decided to take a leap of faith and ask the Universe for a raise. BAM! Immediately after that, I was notified that there were to be budget cuts and layoffs, so that not only was I not going to have my prayer answered, but the rug was being pulled out from under me. It was one of those ‘now what?’ situations. Not one to bemoan my fate, having learned to be resilient and proactive in the midst of life shifts, I immediately found a freelance position that seemed ideal. The person who hired me told me that I was exactly what they were looking for and that I had a longterm home with them. As the Universe has a twisted sense of humor, that job lasted two months and they too lost funding as I found myself floundering a bit. Landing on my feet once again, I was hired as a therapist in a group practice. I continued to take on freelance writing jobs and speaking gigs. That’s where my session with Kc kicks into high gear.
She asked me what difference an additional amount of money would make since I lived more than comfortably on that salary. It enabled me to pay my bills on time, travel, save, sponsor a child in another country, donate more to various charities. I had discretionary income for the first time in my life and it felt good. What hit me like a bolt of lightning were these words, “The higher the number, the bigger the cushion.” What it meant was that I needed the security of knowing that I had a safe place to land. We delved even deeper as I explored ancestral messages about poverty and wealth. My paternal grandparents came across the ocean from Russia to the U.S. to a land of opportunity where they would eventually meet and start a family that consisted of them, my aunt, two uncles, and my father. They lived in South Philadelphia, where my grandfather Jacob worked as a presser in a clothing factory and my grandmother Rebecca was a stay at home mom. They lived hand to mouth and on public assistance which felt shameful to my father. He was determined never to be in that position so he went to work early on as a milkman which is what he was doing when he and my mother met. She was a switchboard operator for a law firm. Together they raised my sister in me in middle-class comfort. When I was a teenager, she went to work for Sears and he took a job as a bus driver for SEPTA. While we weren’t rolling in the dough, there was plenty to meet our needs. What it took was for my father to buy into the belief that he had to ‘work crazy hours,’ as my mother described it. As I was deciding what I wanted to do professionally, my parents let me know that I could do whatever I wanted as long as I enjoyed my work and could support myself. I chose a career as a therapist since I was the go-to person for friends when they wanted advice and I was curious about what made people tick. With a BA in Psychology and a Masters in Social Worker, I set up shop. It is a mixed blessing to be a caregiver since I am adept but sometimes practice what I call ‘savior behavior,’ erroneously believing it is my job to fix heal and kiss all the boo-boos to make them better. On top of that I inherited my father’s workaholic tendencies.
What Kc and I came up with was for me to challenge the ancestral messages that had me wondering if I could sustain myself since I have proven that I can do more than keep my head above water. She suggested that I balance the feminine flow, intuition, security, and caregiving with the masculine boundary setting and goals as I stand in my power. I was astounded at the ways in which she used her intuition to enter the inner sanctum of someone she had never met. She was masterful at helping me cut through the limiting beliefs I had been buying into for such a long time. I bless her for that.
I realize that at 60, I have a legacy to leave and get to decide what that is. It seems to be about guiding people in their life transformation with practical, replicable action steps as they see the world as an Opti-mystic, through the eyes of possibility.