I have read this message numerous times over the years and it never fails to light a fire under me  and provide a wake up call when I am tempted to get grumpy about life circumstances. Way too often, I find myself (or actually, lose myself) in those pity parties where the walls echo with my complaints, since I am usually the only guest there, so I wise up fairly quickly and leave.  It can take the form of kvetching about an interaction at my full time job, where my perception is that I am expected to do what seems impossible (miracle worker…social worker…same thing)  with people who have such sincere and severe needs and at times, unreasonable demands. It may look like not getting ‘my way’ in an interpersonal interaction. It may present like feeling unappreciated when someone asks “What have you done for me lately?”  And it may seem like things aren’t moving fast enough in my creative endeavors. 

Even though I have slowed down considerably since last year when my beloved Mom passed the day after Thanksgiving, I still have been keeping a schedule that might make most people’s heads spin. In the past week, I have worked at my full time job, went to a book signing for Mike Dooley’s Leveraging the Universe, which I wrote about yesterday, spending 3 hours or so prior to work and 3 hours or so afterward writing articles, doing marketing for my book, which just came out, setting up my own book signings, prepping for a class I am teaching with my friend Peggy this coming week, went to the gym several times, activities with friends, attending a concert/kirtan with Deva Premal, Miten and Manose ,  planning a trip to Arizona…added to that ‘normal people stuff’ such as household responsibilities, as well as eating, sleeping, bathing and, oh yes…breathing.  And still, at times, I feel like I am standing still…what’s up with THAT?  Have I forgotton the adage “Delays are not denials”?  Apparently so.

The part of me that demands superhuman effort wants to see the results of my actions blossom more quickly and then the  spiritual amnesia that has had me in its grip, abates as I look at my accomplishments and where I was a year ago. The High Holidays have just passed and I have long viewed them as an opportunity to ‘take stock’ of where I was and where I am now. Twelve months ago, I was traveling back and forth from PA to FLA to be with my Mom on her hospice journey, wondering when it would be the last trip. I was questioning if I would ever complete my book, dragging my feet in fear, but calling it “I’m-too-busy-how-could-I-possibly-complete-it-in-the-midst-of-all-this-other-stuff?”  I dreaded handling her estate afterward, and yet, with the support and guidance of a financial advisor friend, am nearly complete with the major tasks. I question my grief process which has me feeling far less entrenched than I imagined I would be and yet, I know it’s perfect, since I am aware of  her presence so strongly at times. Tears flow when they do and then they cease and I move forward into the next moment.

I know ultimately that I am the only one in charge of my atty-tood and the only one that can shift from where I am to where I choose to be. I can cut myself some slack and as I did in the wee hours this morning before writing this, allow my monkey mind to have its say; screeching and complaining about what didn’t feel fair…’How come…why not….what’s wrong with this picture?”, rather than supressing as I sometimes do and then covering it over with shiny paper. One thing I have learned is that if you wrap dog poop in pretty paper and tie a ribbon around it, it is still dog poop. Instead, I have used the metaphorical mess as fertilizer for my dreams and visions. Once I did that, I was able to ask “What’s right with this picture?” and the answer arrived that it is again the exercise equipment that strengthens and stretches me.  And the rest is still unwritten…

http://youtu.be/TtGY4G7II6s  Unwritten  by Natasha Bedingfield