And the winner of this year’s holiday letter content goes to . . . my friend Jen. You’ll enjoy it.

Well, I can’t find last years’ letter so I’m not sure if I’m still annoyed by the same crap as last year. I am also not sure if the smear Im looking through on my screen is snot or chocolate!
There were a myriad of topics I wanted to cover this year so I tried to keep reminders as I thought of things. I would write things down of scraps of paper and shove them in my pocket at school as I thought of them. The only problem is now I have a pile of scraps with things written on them like “basement smelling book” and “jury doodie” and no recollection of their surely hilarious but hidden meanings.

A couple of things are new this year.
I am working full time in Kindergarten. This should yield a wealth of topics for future letters. First off, I have now realized why boys, as they become men, get more …how shall I say…frustrated. It’s because they are not able to hump the playground equipment any more! We have one boy this year who humps everything…every piece of gym equipment has its own special allure to him. He’s especially fond of sliding down the twistiepole like a fireman. (If you aren’t an afficionado of playground equipment, a twistiepole is like a pole dancing pole but shaped like a fuscilli pasta noodle). Maybe that’s why there are poles in firehouses… because firemen can’t hump playground equipment anymore! Another thing I have learned is to be more aware of is a 5 year olds literal translation of directions. For example, upon handing a group of children a paper to put “face down on their desk” imagine my surprise to see all heads go down face first on to the table!
One scrap from my pocket read “Why don’t Nuns shave?”…need I say more.
Then there was the CSI:Kindergarten episode when someone wrote “dumhead” on a piece of paper and we spent a stoo-pid amount of time performing handwriting analysis to detect the perpetrator. Unfortunately, we were unable to apprehend the criminal as all the evidence was inconclusive!!!

Now for the rest of the story…
Scott has been promoted to Corporal and is back at the airport. Same old idiots, planes in, planes out. He is rather curious as of late to discover the reason why really fat guys carry such tiny suitcases. He has also invented a new game to play with our girls. It’s a variation of “I got your nose” ..you know ..you pretend to snatch the other persons nose off, hold your thumb between your fingers and say “I got your nose”.
Well…… the new game is “I got your nose, I ate your nose, I crapped your nose out and jammed it back on your face”. Sometimes a variation on this game being, “I got your nose, I jammed your nose in the dog’s mouth, the dog crapped your nose out and I grabbed it as it fell from the dog’s butt then jammed it back on your face” game. They chase each other all over the house grabbing each others faces and butts for hours. Yes…..I am not kidding.
Speaking of butt!…My new game also involves my butt as it were. I call it “overthrowing the bowl”. For some reason, now in my later years I have lost all ability to hit the “bowl” with the TP. I don’t know if I have suddenly gained super human arm strength or maybe the paper is just so fluffy. I take aim, I shoot, I turn, and then …there it is laying there, between the bowl and the wall. Very sad for me. I must add as a point of clarification that this only occurs with a #1. I still have all my #2 skills.

Speaking of TP though, I was recently in a friends bathroom and was able to sample some lustrous TP. I had never felt such soft and thick stuff! You know who you are…and yes …I overthrew the bowl!!!!
I’m not sure what to add about my mother. There are so many places to go with this topic: I probably covered the pants dropping incident last year so maybe the repetitive clorox drinking because she puts clorox in water bottles to squirt in the toilet bowls topic would be good; or the inability to operate any type of remote control device topic; possibly the mad search for a picture of her feeding a bird which ultimately involved the “Minneapolis Times” classified ads and an offer of a reward incident; how about trying to set the temperature on the oven over and over until I had to point out (gently, of course…you know me) that she was looking at the frikkin time!!!!!!!!!!!
Madeline and Tess are doing as well as can be expected considering the above living conditions.
To wrap things up let me leave you with the ending of our Hail Mary prayer as said by one of the Kindergarten students this year….
Holy Mary, Mother of course
Pray for us swimmers
Now and at the hour we are Deaf
Amen
Merry Xmas,
Jen