Serenity in an Age of Anxiety

  Breaking the Blame Cycle Part 3Connect

Everyone needs love and attention but it turns out you cannot force it out of other people. Blame is the misguided attempt to get out of others what you cannot find in yourself.  Even if a behavior needs to be changed, to paraphrase Einstein, you can’t solve a problem with the thinking that created it.  In other words, you will never get the happiness and peace of mind you want by making someone else wrong. Unless the situation is dangerous, change how you see the problem, break the blame cycle and then make an action plan. If someone hits or threatens you, leave now and fix your thoughts later.


Cindy needed to shift her mind about her mother, Bea, in order activate her superpower. Her superpower is her ability to heal relationships and be happy no matter what the other person does. Cindy is a therapist so she understands the theory. At the same time, a part of her is angry and wants to punish Bea.  Because they are connected, Cindy cannot be happy by punishing or hurting her mother. Her best interest is aligned with her mother’s.


Wholeheartedness to the Rescue


Cindy resisted. “Of course, I love my mom,” she concedes, “I just don’t like her very much.”


She is out of touch with the love that connects her and her mother. Anger buried it and Cindy is reluctant to give up the moral high ground. One way to rediscover lost love is to imagine the person you blame for your unhappiness has only five minutes to live.  As you sit by their deathbed with a few precious minutes left, what would you say?  Cindy sat down and wrote her mother a letter.


The first draft started with, “mom, you did the best you could”.  She was not finding the love yet. Several drafts later Cindy’s letter was free of hostile undertones. Choking back tears she read the final version. She did not plan to read it to her mother, but for the first time in many years her chest did not feel tight when she thought of her mom.  In fact, she felt strong.  Maybe, she thought, she could deal with her mother after all.


When Cindy remembers her true nature is love and that she loves her mother, she activates her superpower. Her frustration and desire to blame has temporarily made her forget that she does not need her mother to prove she is lovable. Nothing her mother does or does not do can change what she is and always will be. When she connects to that love, she is freeing herself of blame and paving the road to peace of mind for both of them.

Post #21

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