It was perhaps the dullest Republican victory party since Herbert Hoover.

Mitt Romney won the Texas primary and with it the national Republican nomination for president. What followed was a victory party that could have been sponsored by Serta and Sominex. No brass bands. No fireworks. No victory speech. Not even a candidate – Romney couldn’t make it.

In the tradition of Calvin Coolidge, he apparently had a warm glass of milk and went to bed.

Mitt Romney

It is “impossible to think of the GOP race without stifling a yawn,” wrote the editorial staff of the liberal Daily Kos news site.

“To no one’s surprise, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney received the final jewel in the crown of his nomination quest on Tuesday — Texas awarded him 97 delegates in Tuesday’s primary,” wrote Jean MacKenzie of the Tucson Sentinel in an article headlined: “Texas primary: The big yawn.”

“You didn’t think you needed a yawn, but,” reported John Dickerson for Slate magazine, “Romney crossed the magic threshold of 1,144 – the number of delegates he needs to win the GOP nomination.”

CBS News, the Huffington Post and a number of other news outlets reported that Romney wasn’t even in Texas for the win, but instead was off wooing Donald Trump, who instead embarrassed him by surfacing more rumors that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is bogus and he’s ineligible to be in office.

Then a day or two later, Solon magazine revealed that Romney was searching for a vice presidential running mate who is “safe and, by design, unexciting — a deliberate anti-Palin.” The prized pick would be, according to an anonymous Romney official: an “incredibly boring white guy.”

An incredibly boring white guy?

Romney won over the Republican establishment by ignoring the

passionate urgency of the Tea Partiers. As a counter to the charismatic and charming Barack Obama, he was a candidate whose lack of passion or spontaneity surpassed even that of his father, 1960s perennial presidential hopeful George Romney. Recently, a supporter told Mitt all about her financial woes. “At such a moment, Clinton might have offered her a big bear hug,” reported Stephanie Mencimer for the arch-liberal Mother Jones magazine. “Romney offered her cash, pulling $50 to $60 out of his pocket and thrusting it upon her.”

Instead of wiping a George W. Bush tear from his cheek, Romney “handed a wad of cash” to the woman, reported Emily Friedman for ABC News. “55-year-old Ruth Williams says she had been following the Romney campaign since he arrived in the state on Jan. 11, when she said she received a message from God to track him down.

“I was on the highway praying and said, ‘God just show me how to get [my] lights on,’ and I pulled up to a stop sign and his bus was there,” said Williams, who has been unemployed since last October. “And then God said, ‘Follow the bus,’ and I followed the bus to the airport.

“God didn’t tell me to go to nobody else, he told me to pray for Romney,” said Williams. “I listened to the Lord.”

The rest of conservative America seems to be waiting for a similar word from on high.

Atlanta talk show host Erick Erickson “and other keepers of the conservative flame have been trying for more than a year to muscle Mitt aside in favor of someone – anyone” who wasn’t Mitt Romney, reported Newsweek’s Howard Kurtz. “Now, there is no Plan B left, no savior waiting in the wings. It is a moment of truth for the dead-enders, who have to decide whether to relent and rally around Romney or hang back, even if it means helping Barack Obama win a second term.

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