10 Bad Behaviors That Actually Aren’t So Bad By Heather Shumaker l Parenting Advice

Bad Behavior: Not Sharing

Why It’s Actually Not So Bad:

There’s a difference between instant “on demand” sharing (“Give the truck to Jimmy, you need to share!”) and taking turns. It’s better for kids to stand up for their right to keep using a toy. It’s better for the demanding child to wait. This teaches positive assertiveness and respect, as well as impulse control and delayed gratification.

Keep it Appropriate: Waiting for a turn can be hard. Simply acknowledge “It’s hard to wait.” When a child’s all done, encourage her to find the waiting child. That teaches courtesy and awareness of others. What’s more when a child says “Here you go! I’m all done now!” she’ll feel the inner glow of generosity.

Excerpt from the book It's OK Not to Share. Heather Shumaker is a journalist whose writing has appeared in Parenting, Pregnancy and other publications. As an advocate for free, unstructured play in homes and schools, she lives in northern Michigan with her family.

Bad Behavior: Hitting and Kicking

Why It’s Actually Not So Bad:

Young kids express emotions through their bodies. So sometimes kids need to smash, pound or kick when they are engulfed in anger. Don’t try to stop that burst of energy – redirect it. “I know you’re mad, but I can’t let you hit me. You can hit the sofa.” Hitting and kicking a safe, appropriate target reinforces the idea that people are not for hitting, and can bring a child to calm.

Keep it Appropriate: Make sure you never let a child hit you. Moms and dads are not for hitting anymore than anyone else. Children feel terrible guilt and insecurity if they cross this boundary. Use a pillow, tree, sofa, or cardboard box.

Bad Behavior: Rejecting Playmates

Why It’s Actually Not So Bad:

Young kids (ages 2-3) often can’t cope with more than one playmate at a time. They just aren’t developmentally ready. Older kids may worry a new kid will hurt them, change the game or wreck their toys. Instead of forcing playmates together (“You can’t say you can’t play”), take the time to find out what the fear is. Kids are much more willing to accept newcomers when they set limits and feel safe. Ex: “You can play with us if you don’t knock down the castle.” It’s fine for a child to choose to play alone or with one or two chosen playmates. That’s part of free play.

Keep it Appropriate: Kind rejections are possible: “I don’t want to play now. Maybe later.” or “No, thank you.” Kids don’t have to like everyone. They don’t have to play with everyone. They do have to be decent to everyone.

Bad Behavior: Playing With Toy Weapons

Why It’s Actually Not So Bad:

“A child makes himself known by his acts” (Proverbs 20:11). We need to focus on the child’s acts—how he behaves in real life—not what his play theme might be. Is your child having fun? Listening to his playmates? Concerned if someone gets hurt? Then weapon play is OK. Preschoolers use good guy/bad guy play to make friends, explore and confront fears, and develop early morality. For kids it’s about saving people. It’s hero play. One more way kids sort out good and bad, right and wrong and explore ideas of life and death, protector and protected.

Keep it Appropriate: Just like any play, weapon play isn’t welcome everywhere. Keep the timing and location right. Not everyone’s comfortable with toy weapons either. Tell kids: “Michael might not like a sword pointed at him. You have to ask first. ”

Bad Behavior: Conflict

Why It’s Actually Not So Bad:

Peace isn’t the absence of conflict. It’s the peaceful resolution of conflict. Kids as young as two can learn the basic steps of how to stand up for themselves and stop behavior they don’t like. Instead of punishing conflicts between kids, view them as an opportunity. An opportunity to practice speaking up, setting limits and communicating directly to the other child peer-to-peer. “I don’t like it when you pushed me!”

Keep it Appropriate: Kids often need adult help to negotiate conflicts. Don’t take over, though. Bring them together and repeat kids’ words (“I hear Jenna saying ‘Don’t knock down my tower!’”) but make them talk to each other.

Bad Behavior: Hating The Baby

Why It’s Actually Not So Bad:

Babies can be hard to live with, especially as a big sibling. Your first job is to protect the baby from physical harm. “You can be mad at Ben, but I can’t let you hurt him.” Be fast and firm. Then accept jealous, scared or frustrated feelings. “You don’t like it when Ben gets into your blocks. That makes you mad!” Show your love for everyone in the family and help each child feel understood and secure.

Keep it Appropriate: Belting out “I hate the baby!” is fine around an infant, but things change when baby brother or sister becomes a toddler. “It’s OK for you to feel that way, but Ben’s not a baby anymore. You need to say that in your room.” Give kids a place to speak freely or draw their angry feelings.

Bad Behavior: Cross-Dressing

Why It’s Actually Not So Bad:

Dressing up and trying out new roles helps kids learn how to see things from other perspectives. That’s a key part in developing empathy. Today we encourage girls to try anything and everything. Yet we impose strict limits on boys. A boy who dons a dress is curious about females. He may be showing his admiration for women he knows (mom, grandma, etc.). Trying out new roles is natural, healthy play.

Keep it Appropriate: If your son loves to wear a twirly dress that sparkles, try to find a safe place for him to do it. You may decide it’s only for home, not for public places. Sometimes one parent approves and another can’t stand it. Set boundaries that fit your family.