Ask the Love Guru

When Will I Meet "The One?"

Greetings Gurudev,

I am wondering, what can you share with singles who seek their soul mates? How will they know when "The One" comes along? How will they recognize this special person? What will your special movie teach us about this?
-- Rev. Laurie Sue

I think that when you meet someone that you are going to be with, you just know. However, soul mates are sometimes difficult to identify. They aren't all prince charming holding a red rose and making the bedroom eyes at you. They may be disguised as the postman with the B.O. who just needs a chance. And some new shorts. Yikes! Lower the hem, Chief, because no one ordered that special delivery! I think that to find your soul mate you need to be open minded. Let people in! And as for what my movie will teach, it shall be peace, loving yourself, being one with the universal energy that courses through all things, and that the price of a Turbo Tub of popcorn is at least a dollar too high. It's hot corn, for Pitka sakes!

Should I Train My Man?

After 7 years, he's willing to put down the seat on the toilet and various other tasks. But, when I say, "jump", he doesn't say, "how high." Love Guru, do you recommend "training your man"?
--KendalNicole

Training anything is very difficult. Trust me I know, I've got ostriches, elephants and all kinds of other critters running around my ashram like they freaking own the place. And they also refuse to turn the lights off when they leave a room. Annoyyyyying! My electric bill is higher than Guru Maltanto on Chibatar berries. As for your hubby, I don't think training is the answer, because every being on this Earth should walk their own journey while you walk yours. This is the most basic law of the universe... respect. Every person's path is their own for a reason. Like my gardener, who has chosen his path right past my bathroom window when I am busy "dropping the little Gurus off at the pool." Perhaps I have shared too much, but you get the idea. And if you also happen to know about any new, respectful gardeners, let me know.

Should I Stay With Him?

Have you ever been in a situation where you love someone but you also hate them at the same time? I certainly have. You love them for the wonderful things that they do for you, but you hate them for putting you through "unnecessary torture", by not doing those things "with you."
--Mythik

I hear you man-knockin', so I hope this answer is a-rockin'. Men are like asparagus: good for you in principle, but too much makes your pee smell. I say it's time to mix up your diet. Be heart smart and read the labels first when you are relationship shopping. Not too much fat, enough sugar, and no MSG (Mortal fear of Sharing and Growth) Otherwise you'll keep going home with bags of bad news. And that just gets you a sore back and a fridge full of fury. Good luck!

Should I Return to My Ex?

I have been in a relationship for 5 years to a great guy. We get along well and co-exist happily. The problem is, there's no passion anymore. Any kind-of sex is always initiated by me and it's been this way for a long time. I've tried talking to him and I get no where. Recently, my ex resurfaced and the spark is hotter than ever. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy! My boyfriend rarely takes his eyes off the video game when I enter the room. It's getting really hard to stay faithful! Any advice would be most appreciated.
-- Aziraphael13

Five years is a long time, for anything. Ask Braksheer down in the village, who hasn't trimmed his nose hairs in almost six. He looks like he's jumping rope when he walks. But back to you: After putting so much of your life spirit and energy into an individual, and it still being bad, while a previous individual is looking good, could lead to a big problem. For Mr. Five Year Lazy Video Game Boring Weiner! Tell him your worries, and that if there is no change following your chat, then it is time to seek greener pastures. Not necessarily with your past. It's all about moving forward! But if the ex is still as foxy as I am guessing, then I say "release the hounds!"

Can I Get Over Him?

I had a break up one year ago and I still love that person. I am sure he loves me too but there is an issue between us that bothers him too much and can't be resolved. Can I do something about it or am I supposed to remain sad and depressed???
--swats

First of all, you should never plan to remain sad and depressed. Definitely take steps to alleviate the sadness and depression. Turn on a fan of positivity to whisk those negative energies away. Perhaps once they are gone, you will miss this man less. It is also a truth that things happen for a reason. If it didn't work out, there was a reason. If that reason is a big boulder standing in your path together, you can agree to try and get around it separately and meet on the other side to continue your journey together. But if on your way around the boulder, you happen to meet a sexy lifeguard who has a nice tan and shiny white teeth who asks you to join him at the Burger Shack for dinner, you can alter your path. You are the master of your own course through life, and let's be honest... a free burger is always tough to pass up.

Should I Wait for Him?

I am talking to this guy, he sound like everything that I want in a man but right now he is very occupied with his grandmother being sick with lung cancer. The way it sound like she might not have much time to live. I don't know if I should just sit around and wait for him to take care of his grandmother than be with me what should I do? Should I wait for him?
-- Preciousangel

Well, this is a tricky situation. Illness is a sad reality in our world. However, I don't think hanging out with you and hanging with his g-mom have to be mutually exclusive. You just need to decide if you really like this guy. If you do, then put on your understanding pants and stick with him like peanut butter on rice (an old family recipe--great for when your poop pipe is packed) If you do not like him that way, then let that butterfly fly. I think that the g-mom is a non-issue. She could be here today, gone tomorrow or here today, and gone never, like my great aunt Felicia, who was run down by a rogue steer, got pneumonia from the puddle she fell in, and then outlived the entire family. She claims it was because of vitamins and prayer, but I think it was just pure old fashioned anger. Bottom line: if you like him, stick with him.

How Do I Find a Good BF?

How do I find a good bf??
-- Sunflower11

I am so glad you asked this question, and believe me, you are not the first. So here is my answer. The way you find a good Buttocks Funnel is to shop around online, then go to this Swedish place that... what? Ohhhh, a Boy Friend! I knew that is what you meant. No, I'm not lying. Yes, my face is normally this red. I'm part Irish. Let's move on. I think to find a good boy friend, you need to find someone who complements you and who you are, but with the extra yummy of romance. An equal, with similar interests, and knowledge, and goals you can enjoy on a deep personal level. It also doesn't hurt if they are a tiger in the sack! They need to be a good match in all areas, but a word of caution: before someone else can love you, you must love yourself. But don't love yourself too much. It'll make you go cross eyed, and then the only boys interested in you will be optometrists, and they're a little boring.

What Can I Do to Help You?

Hi Guru, I am so happy you invited me to your group. I have so much to learn about so many things. What can I do to help you?
-- Cceldredge

You are an amazingly faithful disciple and I am grateful for the love and light you bring to my virtual world! How lucky am I to have such fantastic followers?? Very lucky. Like luckier than Nick Cannon got by landing Mariah. Although she is known to be a bit cuckoo, and insists on dressing like a dirty 5 year old, so maybe she's not the best example. But it is so wonderful that you want to help me, your guru! I am flattered beyond words, and will say an extra chant for you tonight in my Gunaarbitapha Room. (It is the one down the hall from my Pupe Chamber) Keep spreading the word of ME to all of your friends. I want them in my circle!