March 18, 2007, a day I’ll fondly remember for the rest of my life. I will be marrying a woman I’m madly in love with, and she will be my first, and hopefully last, lover. It is the day when I cease to be a virgin and become…uhhh, not a virgin? There isn’t really a title I suppose for people who have had sex, maybe “normal” or perhaps “not a freak,” currently, however, I am a 27-year-old virgin. Not quite stirring enough for a movie, but considering the fact that in my lifetime I have had both a mullet and glasses thick enough to see Pluto, I’m surprised I’m actually going to have sex at all during my days on earth.
This is not to say I haven’t had opportunities to lose my virginity. There were the three unattractive girls who wanted to go to the prom with me, one of whom, I’m pretty sure, totally wanted to have sex with me. And there was the girl in the dorms my freshman year who offered to have sex with me right next to my friend who was passed out drunk and covered in his own vomit. Yeah, I had my pick of the litter.
The Road Less Traveled
In all honesty though, this was a conscious decision I made and had to continue to make throughout my life. I wish I were a monk who never had urges. Instead, I'm a guy who wrestled to live by the conviction to wait for marriage. I tried not to have ulterior motives with girls, to be honest about when I succeeded and failed, and to take the road less traveled. I lost a battle or two, but on March 18 it seems I will have won the war.
I chose to wait and share a beautiful moment with a woman who knocks my socks off (and, soon, my pants). Name me one other guy you know who has kissed a handful of girls, never had sex with anyone and who was a third-string high school quarterback? We’re a rare breed.
Anyway, here are ten random thoughts on losing my virginity.
1. No, I’m not gay. While I’ve never had sex, the idea of sex does come up from time to time in my thoughts and never in my fantasies has Tom Cruise rescued me from a burning building and then taken me back to his place for wine spritzers. Usually it was Alyssa Milano saving me from certain death and then whisking me away to her place for Jello shots and an arm wrestling contest.
2. I realize that being a virgin may label me as a “freak” to some people. I’m not sure why though; it’s not as if every time I meet someone new I yell “You can’t have my virginity!” Honestly you only have to do that once and then word spreads quickly.
3. Seeing as how I wasn’t building my social life around getting laid, you’d think I’d have gotten more done in my life. But, alas, I’m just middle management.
4. Remember when all the female pop singers claimed to be virgins? I hated that. Everything about fake virgin/celibate culture gets on my nerves. Britney Spears a virgin? Absolutely, and K-Fed is a Rhodes Scholar. Jessica Simpson a virgin? Right, because no pastor’s daughter has ever had sex before she got mar…okay, never mind. Then, there was that movie “40 Days/40 Nights” where Josh Hartnett didn’t have sex for 40 days. Wow, 40 days, I’m so impressed. Let’s see, I beat that by, oh, ten thousand days and counting. Good job, Josh.
5. Knowing I’m going to lose my virginity on a specific date is sort of strange. It’s like a birthday, but it only comes once and lasts a very short time, from what I understand. It’s like leaving your imaginary friend behind, you have to do it someday, it takes some of us longer than others, the longer you wait the more difficult it becomes, but it’s almost sad when it hap….wait a second, I get to have sex, yesssss!
6.While I’ve never had sex before, in my weaker moments I have seen a couple of “instructional videos.” NOTE TO SELF: Remember to keep pizza delivery boys and high school guidance counselors away from my wife. By the way, who knew lonely housewives, college professors and bus drivers got that much action?
7. When I say I’m a virgin, I mean no sexual intercourse ever, and none of that oral stuff either. And since when is oral copulation not sex? Who drew that line, high school football players trying to get to third base? That’s like saying you haven’t actually eaten if you’ve only had some French fries.
8. After it’s all over and I’m too tired to continue losing my virginity, will I be forced to celebrate my initiation into manhood with an initiation into cuddling?
9. 27 years is a long time, I beat out like most of the guys in the Bible. Abraham was married earlier than me, so was King David. The only guy I can think of other than that Jesus fellow who beats me is Isaac. He wasn’t married until he was 40, I feel bad for him. 40 years, no sex, living in the desert, wearing scratchy clothing, and women didn’t shave back then. Yeah, he wins.
10. I don’t believe people can be perfect, but I do believe people can have perfect moments. I’ll never throw a Superbowl pass or score a run in the World Series, but on my wedding night I can offer myself as a pure man to the woman I love…over and over and over…