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A couple of weeks ago, I asked: What if I picked a random chapter from one of my upcoming Pocket Guide books, and then listed random phrases from that chapter, completely out of context?
These are from the 4th chapter of Pocket Guide to the Afterlife. It’s called called “Geography of the Beyond: Where You Might Go,” and it introduces possible post-death destinations from a variety of religious traditions. It also contains some very weird phrases. Unnervingly weird. Who can I blame for this? Probably Ahmadinejad. Or the Knights Templar.
So here are a few of my favorite random phrases, lifted entirely out of context. To find out what they mean or what they’re referring to…well, you’ll have to read the book. Pre-order yours now at Amazon.
22 Random Phrases from Pocket Guide to the Afterlife (Chapter 4):
Who will feed my cats?
pursued by a demon with hippo legs
Megatron or Kevin
no intersexual mingling
the shriveled hag could take you
sawed in half
the torso of a grizzly bear
it sucks being poor and dead
naked black-skinned queen of darkness
Good job, Islam
nookie-having strength of a hundred men
popular luau game
crying pooping screaming babies
little nightmare munchkins
your transformation into a worm
Yama’s four-eyed devil dogs
a really loooong, uncomfortable episode of “Biggest Loser”
adulterers, blasphemers, and reality show applicants
breast-shaped fruit, and all the not-yet-weaned children
get sloppy drunk on mead
Well, now. I can’t imagine what kinds of Google searches will end up finding their way to this post thanks to those phrases. I imagine whoever shows up in a search for “naked black-skinned queen of darkness” content will be profoundly disappointed.
In advance: I’m sorry, creepy Googler.
Contest! The first person to guess, accurately, which eternal destination I’m discussing when I use the phrase “Megatron or Kevin” gets a free signed copy of Pocket Guide to the Bible. Leave your guess in the comments. When/if anyone gets it right, I’ll post the full sentence.