O Me of Little Faith

O Me of Little Faith


Random Phrases from the Pocket Guides (2)

posted by Jason Boyett

A couple of weeks ago, I asked: What if I picked a random chapter from one of my upcoming Pocket Guide books, and then listed random phrases from that chapter, completely out of context?

That was fun. At least for me. So let’s do it again.

These are from the 4th chapter of Pocket Guide to the Afterlife. It’s called called “Geography of the Beyond: Where You Might Go,” and it introduces possible post-death destinations from a variety of religious traditions. It also contains some very weird phrases. Unnervingly weird. Who can I blame for this? Probably Ahmadinejad. Or the Knights Templar.

So here are a few of my favorite random phrases, lifted entirely out of context. To find out what they mean or what they’re referring to…well, you’ll have to read the book. Pre-order yours now at Amazon.

22 Random Phrases from Pocket Guide to the Afterlife (Chapter 4):

Who will feed my cats?

pursued by a demon with hippo legs

Megatron or Kevin

no intersexual mingling

the shriveled hag could take you

sawed in half

the torso of a grizzly bear

it sucks being poor and dead

poisonous slobber

naked black-skinned queen of darkness

Good job, Islam

nookie-having strength of a hundred men

popular luau game

crying pooping screaming babies

little nightmare munchkins

your transformation into a worm

corpse-sucking dragon

Yama’s four-eyed devil dogs

a really loooong, uncomfortable episode of “Biggest Loser”

adulterers, blasphemers, and reality show applicants

breast-shaped fruit, and all the not-yet-weaned children

get sloppy drunk on mead

——————

Well, now. I can’t imagine what kinds of Google searches will end up finding their way to this post thanks to those phrases. I imagine whoever shows up in a search for “naked black-skinned queen of darkness” content will be profoundly disappointed.

In advance: I’m sorry, creepy Googler.

——————

Contest! The first person to guess, accurately, which eternal destination I’m discussing when I use the phrase “Megatron or Kevin” gets a free signed copy of Pocket Guide to the Bible. Leave your guess in the comments. When/if anyone gets it right, I’ll post the full sentence.



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jennetcetera

posted June 19, 2009 at 4:59 pm


I would guess hell! Evil Decepticons…



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Jason Boyett

posted June 19, 2009 at 5:07 pm


Good guess, but no — not hell.



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jason

posted June 19, 2009 at 7:31 pm


i don't think this is the real answer… but when i found it… it was just to good not to share:In the television show Futurama, the characters go to Robot Hell on occasion, where the Robot Devil and other evil robots reside. In "Hell is Other Robots" Bender was put in there to be tormented in a series of ironic punishments such as being rolled into a giant cigar for smoking. In "The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings" Fry and Bender go to hell to make a deal for Fry to get robot hands so he can play the holophonor. The robot whose hands Fry will get is determined by a large wheel with every robot on it. Fry winds up with the Robot Devil's hands (I just put my name on there as a show of good faith to the other robots). The Robot Devil proceeds to use a "circuitous plan" involving Bender and Leela to convince Fry to trade hands back(accessed from http://sd.wikipedia.org/wiki/%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B2%D8%AE)



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Anonymous

posted June 19, 2009 at 11:28 pm


..why



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Anonymous

posted June 19, 2009 at 11:31 pm


..do you say 'religion' on your home page? just write 'jesus.'



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Jason Boyett

posted June 20, 2009 at 6:25 am


Dear Anonymous: I say "religion" instead of "Jesus" because sometimes the religion I write about doesn't involve Jesus at all. Religion is much broader. Also, "Jesus, Culture, and the Life of a Working Writer" just sounds weird.My turn to ask a question:why…do you not use your real name?



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