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You can breathe a sigh of relief now, because God won’t be going to jail. A Nebraska state senator named Ernie Chambers filed a lawsuit last year against God, accusing him of inspiring fear, making terroristic threats against the senator — apparently the promise of a good smiting can be construed as terrorism — and wreaking “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants” through acts of violence like tornadoes and hurricanes.
But last week, a Nebraska judge threw out the lawsuit, because in order for the case to move forward, a plaintiff must have access to the defendant and know where he is. The judge couldn’t find a listed home address for the Almighty, so out goes the frivolous charge. (Chambers would disagree that the suit was frivolous. He said he filed it to make the point that everyone, rich or poor, should have access to the courts and be able to sue anyone else. Even the homeless…like God.)
1. Sure, we might not have God’s address, but as a kid I always heard God’s phone number was JER 33:3. Couldn’t the judge have just called? He might have been told “great and unsearchable things” he knew not. Presumably, one of these might have included a home address.
2. Nebraska? I thought God lived in Nashville.
3. In theory, wouldn’t an omnipresent God live everywhere? So you could serve the papers to almost any address, in Omaha or otherwise. I would have found a nice coffee shop in Maui and served him there.
4. And do you really have to serve papers to an all-powerful, all-knowing God? Isn’t he aware of the lawsuit already? Hasn’t he known about it from the dawn of time? Chambers thought so.
So clearly Chambers has grounds to appeal this decision. He has 30 days.
In other news, “Christ runs for 232 yards in Catholic victory” is the best headline I’ve read in a long while. But it, too, leads to some questions. Sure, 23 runs for gains of 232 yards is a nice accomplishment, but how does Jesus ever get tackled? And what’s he doing on the Catholic team? We all know Jesus was a Southern Baptist.
For once, though, it wouldn’t have been so annoying for a reporter to ask him about his performance after the game, and hear the player say, “It wasn’t me, man. It was God.”
Update: Edited at 10:42 am, because for some reason I kept spelling “Nebraska” wrong…I spelled it K-A-N-S-A-S. Thanks, Matthew, for the heads-up. Sorry for despoiling your fine state.