Letting Go with Guy Finley

Letting Go with Guy Finley


Moving On After a Betrayal

posted by Guy Finley

Question: I know that my husband has cheated on me in the past. We fight over this since he was not honest with me. I still love him but cannot trust or respect him just yet. I want to make it work but sometimes I feel so angry and resentful. I just want to take it out on him for hurting me so badly! How can I deal with this so I can move on? My mind goes crazy just thinking about it all the time.

Answer: The mind, as it is presently constituted, thrives on conflict . . . having problems to solve and positions to protect. To see this — as a fact in oneself — is the beginning of the end of our consent to allow it to drive us mad. If you have decided to go ahead with the relationship, then see this constant resurfacing of the pain not as an issue with him, but rather one of your own present inability to keep your own heart and mind present, in spite of the temptation to revisit the past (what I call the “scene of the crime”). Make the best choice you know to make at this time, and get on with your life . . . with or without him, but — most importantly — without this part of you that can’t wait to create worry and resentment over what is no longer in question.



  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Linda Derrick

    I think someone is forgetting that trust has to be earned. This is not all on the betrayed wife. The HUSBAND has to regain her trust, and none of that will happen overnight.

    Let’s talk about counseling and spending time together and him paying attention to her enough so he leaves her no more room for doubt.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Lou

    Guys focus was on the betrayed wife, for true, lasting healing. If one looks for something to make them feel safe, whole, by looking outside of yourself, then you are guaranteed to continually suffer. It will NEVER come from her husband.. When will the attention paid by him to her ever be enough.. would he know.. would she even know?? What seeming innocuous event will trigger that anxiety all over again.. A TV show? a song on the radio..?
    Her healing, her well being is in fact “all on her”.. His act of betrayal already signaled he isn’t/ wasn’t the answer to her well being. Her inability to relinquish the past will ensure this to continue.. So, what is the answer?? “see this constant resurfacing of the pain not as an issue with him, but rather one of your own present inability to keep your own heart and mind present,”… What she (we) looked for before to make us\keep us whole was a lie our false, egoic sense of self has told us and society has reinforced.. Let go of that, don’t try to resist those moments of doubt/fear about his fidelity, just don’t feed into them or better still don’t let them feed off of you.. Acceptance of what is,Awareness, Non-resistance, Living in the present moment, is your trues sense of being.. Seek counseling, stay together only in true forgiveness, or part ways in peace..for both your sakes.. either result, permanent peace begins and ends by working on yourself. He will also have to focus on himself and his commitment to her/their relationship.. She can’t control it, the anxiety is the body’s emotional reaction to that very notion.. Do we “force” life to conform to our pre-conceived notions ( no matter how noble,honorable), or do we allow life to be and work on OUR reaction to life’s ever changing events…?? That does not mean to be a doormat, it means I will react from a centered sense of being not from my ego. You have that power, you have in fact always had it, you just haven’t tapped into it yet…
    Peace and Love

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