Beliefnet
Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

QUESTION: I got an email from Maggie, who has read some of my book and is struggling with her current boyfriend. She said they had a wonderful relationship, except for the bad issues from her past about falling in love. Jason is the type of guy who has many women friends because most of his colleagues are female. He has guy friends too, but not as many. Maggie has trust issues from being burned and cheated on in the past which never dealt with and they were all coming up.

Maggie’s boyfriend has never given her any reason to believe that she can’t trust him but she keeps comparing him to the ones who hurt her in the past. She’s becoming possessive and even spying on him when she can. It’s hurting the relationship and Maggie wrote that she’s terrified that he’ll get disgusted and leave her if she continues on her path. but her past continues to haunt her.

ANSWER
: It’s normal to feel nervous or jealous of your partner having lots of friend who are the opposite but unfair to him/her and you. Trust does take time to build. Too many of us give it away fast, whether it’s with a romantic partner, a new friend, or a colleague. We give it without waiting to see if they really are trustworthy. People need to earn your trust with actions over time, not just words or good intentions or your desire for them to be for real. It sounds like Maggie’s guy has earned her trust but she won’t give it. He’s been open about his female friends. So this is Maggie’s own issue.

For Maggie, or you if you have memories from your past that affect how you respond in the present, I recommend that you leave the past behind you!!! It only hurts you. I live in the now. Looking back holds you back. When I had doubts whether I should trust a boyfriend, I asked God for experiences of clarity that I couldn’t miss. People came out of the woodwork to confess they didn’t think he was right for me. Out of the blue a close friend told me he wasn’t good enough for me. With those experiences I dumped him. When you ask for clarity about whether you should stay in a situation with someone, you’ll have experiences that happen spontaneously if you look for them.

My best advice is to relax and enjoy. If it’s meant to be, he won’t cheat. I have many male friends and have lost some because of jealous girlfriends. This past “junk” just eats at you for no reason. Try to figure out why you want to sabotage your happiness by looking for trouble that isn’t there. Try doing EFT to release those old memories so you can be more objective about your situation. Use affirmations to quell the thoughts. “Everything will work out fine with my relationship.” Being too vigilant can make you paranoid about things that aren’t there. Relax and let faith guide you!
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