Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Lessons from a Recovering Doormat


Do You Choose to Be a Victim?

Today is Day 14 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month with suggestions for jump-starting your own self-love.

Self-love and allowing yourself to be ta victim don’t work together. Victims rarely love themselves. It’s not loving to let others manipulate you. I hear folks moan, “Why do people use me?” And groan, “Why me?” And whine, “I’ll never get what I want because_____.”  Fill in that blank with, “because I allow myself to be a victim.” It’s your choice to be one. People don’t make you a victim. You volunteer.

Victims blame others for making them feel powerless. But no one can take your power if you’re not giving it away!

Do you blame others for being unhappy? Do you complain that you hate being a victim? Playing a victim is your choice. Nobody can force you to give up the power to make your own choices. When I take charge of my life, the sun shines on me more. People Pleasers suffer like pros and complain about who did them wrong. When I was a DoorMat, I considered myself a victim. After all, everyone needed something from me.

•    Why couldn’t they be nice to me in return?
•    Why did they take advantage of my nice nature?
•    Why was I always taken for granted and not appreciated for doing SO MUCH for everyone?

Simple answer: I let them do it. I allowed them to walk all over me by not saying no or expressing how I felt about how I was treated. Self-pity replaced my power and I had plenty of that. “Poor me, always the victim of everyone’s selfishness and inconsiderate behavior!” I was also angry and frustrated a lot, though I put on a smile for those who I blamed. So I suffered in silence. My deep insecurity and lack of self-worth made me feel that I deserved to be unhappy since I wasn’t perfect.

Listen carefully. It’s YOUR choice to accept behavior you don’t like, or to change your response to it. The more you love yourself, the less likely that you’d allow yourself to be a victim.

 If you’re taught that confronting its source isn’t nice, you suffer. This is poison! You get no points for suffering. None! Nada! You deserve happiness! Asking “why me?” when life isn’t good reinforces victimhood. Focus your energy on how to change situations.

Do you accept suffering as punishment for not “being good enough?”

That destroys self-esteem! In my DoorMat days, I suffered as a lifestyle. Now it’s banned! It’s your choice to adopt a victim mentality or handle situations in ways that give control back to you. Don’t give others power over you.

•    ”He makes me feel unattractive.” It’s your choice to feel unattractive! You have the power to ignore criticism.

•    ”My girlfriend spends all my money and I’m always broke because of it.” It’s your choice to give her access to your money and to be with someone who takes advantage like that!

•    ”I always have to pick up the slack for my co-workers while they do their personal business instead.” It’s your choice to agree to do their work and not speak up about it!

•    ”My mother always tells me what to do.” If you’re an adult, it’s your choice to listen or do what you want!

Your response determines whether you’re a victim or a powerful person. I know it’s hard to begin. But deciding to ditch the victim role and stand up for YOU attracts better treatment and increases self-respect. Relinquish self-pity and change your situation! Why stay a victim? Taking a stand makes people less likely to take advantage. YOU control how folks treat you. Complaining is a cop-out. Nobody uses someone who won’t allow it. And nobody is a victim unless they choose to be. Once I stood up to people, I saw how much power I had. Victims feel helpless, which brings self-esteem down and down and down. But you’re not helpless.

You always have spiritual support in lifting yourself up from living as a victim to setting boundaries and being happier.

It’s all in your court. Think about what makes you feel like a victim and how you can change the dynamic. The more you nurture self-love, the less you’ll allow people to treat you poorly. When you love yourself, you won’t want to allow yourself to be a victim. Being a Nice Person on Top Is certainly much better!

Take the self-love challenge and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. And you can post your loving acts HERE to reinforce your intention to love yourself.

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.



  • Michele Schwartz

    Thank you for

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  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Ravim

    Why do people always blame the vicitm? Its the easy way out to brainwash someone into thing that its all their own fault. Unwilling victims do exist! To blame the victim is what a psychopath would do-” you made me do this”, “its your own fault” They like to believe that their victims are somehow willing and thus deserving of their maltreatment. It alliviates the villian from responsibility and in their mind makes them somehow superior to their ” weak willing victim.
    The truth is the one being uses is made a victim first because the user has something they need whether it be friendship, social status, some skill, can provide promotion etc. This make you vulnerable. And they know it they live off of it. Instead whatever they say to you- disagree. Whatever they value- cleverly debase. Make them you need you, how You initially needed them and not on their terms. But this is to be only done with true users. How to identify a true user They play 21 questions, they take inventory of your life, they over flatter, put down what you enjoy, try to make you feel sympathy for them- they pull at your heart strings ( personal). At work they just belittle you underhandedly patronize and brag about themselves.
    There are two people in this world, those who are used and those who use. People can go back and forth but there is no inbetween. WHen you become one side, you become the victim and exploited . Our socieity is set up this way with elite systems and pecking orders, because with using comes power and security. Mentally when you ” consume” the person’s”resource the pendullum swings in the users favor. Users often are egoist and love attention, love power, fame and the thrill. They are the well adjust psychopath.
    The best thing to do is choose friends and associates in your pecking order and use number over power. However those in the uper echlons of society and power structures ( power exsist in all societal levels and group dymanics) are usually very charming and ” offer” some currency you, ” the victim”, finds appealing and thus sets you up. Your “equals” will most likely abandon you for the user ” who pretends to helpful at first”. To combat this offer yourself first as the currency to eliminate the user. Be the initiator, to starter, beat the user to the punch. But then whatever that person offer, you most likely wont have. You have to prepare yourself for this. Lost of a promotion friendship, whatever. Its complicated, but basically the only way not to be use.. is to use others yourself. If this is new to you its hard runs contrary to your thought process your mostly very ” giving’. But remember its not your fault you just have to arm yourself be your own best friend advocate and trust no one reveal no weaknesses

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