Jesus Needs New PR

Jesus Needs New PR


A reader sent this to me. He/she was at birthday party for a 90-year-old relative, and the birthday-girl/boy put this out on the table so all of her non-Christians party mates would not be completely clueless if they happen to get left behind.

How nice. A little parting gift… you know, just in case you get ‘left behind..’ a little light reading material might be nice… especially when it’s a book from like 1996.


Just in case you don’t want to read the book, here’s my advice on what you should do…

1.) FREAK. OUT. Because you are screwed. Seriously. We’re talking way worse than what happened to those brats on The Breakfast Club.

2.) After your freak out, watch Aliens vs. Predators (It will give you an idea of what to expect).

3.) Practice saying “I’m gonna get my head chopped off” without getting nervous. (Buy a toy guillotine and begin discussing with your children about why it’s their friend. Perhaps use an Elmo toy to help make it appear friendly and lovable. Buy several Elmo dolls, so you can show your kid how much Elmo loves getting his head cut off.)


4.) Oh, yeah… DON’T TAKE THE MARK. No tattoos. No chips inserted into your body. And NO UPC CODES! My God, avoid UPC codes like they’re Tara Reid.

5.) Blog about your experience. It will make a very interesting read.

6.) GO TO CHURCH. Find a church whose members are still around–you should have no problem finding a large group of terrified Methodists.

7.) Take up smoking. It might help. (YOU ARE SCREWED, OKAY? SMOKING WON’T KILL YOU.)

8.) To take your mind off the calamity that is happening outside, watch Judge Judy.

9.) Get in touch with Rob Bell. He’ll help you.


10.) Oh, and as you lay under the blade of the guillotine, sing “Mighty To Save” or something like that, and lift your hands as you sing–give those Rebel Forces–uh, Muslims?–more to clean up after your gone!

PS: And remember, Jesus loves you so much that he wants you to get your head chopped off into a bucket, but he loves you. Hey, second chances sometimes suck.

Good luck!

God bless.

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John R Wallace

posted August 2, 2010 at 10:59 am

Wow, now that is funny!

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Jamie the Very Worst Missionary

posted August 2, 2010 at 10:59 am

Ha! Love this list.

I will refer to it often when the time comes, and I’ll link it on my first post from The Very Worst Missionary Gets Left Behind, which will say only, “Duh. Like either of is thought this would end differently.”

Thanks for the heads up…er.. heads off.

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posted August 2, 2010 at 11:01 am

As a Methodist, it’s good to know that we should still be around to help people feel better about themselves for having been left behind to start with. I’ve been in the Methodist church long enough to know that that is what we will do…make everything seem like it’s hunky-dory.

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    posted August 5, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    It goes without saying we’ll do it while having a pot-luck dinner.

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posted August 2, 2010 at 11:09 am

Tara Reid!! Rob Bell!! I’m still laughing.!

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posted August 2, 2010 at 11:34 am

Also as a Methodist, I LOLed so loud at #6 that the UM country club church staff came over to see if I spilled my fair-trade coffee.

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posted August 2, 2010 at 11:52 am

I STILL have nightmares from being forced to watch that TERRIBLE movie, “A Distant Thunder” when I was 12 and I’m 40 now! I cannot listen to Larry Norman, ever, and I was PARANOID about UPC codes because my mom went through a phase where she refused to buy items that were “marked”. And don’t even get me started on the guillotines… mom always told me that it would be a quick way to die for those left behind. Well at least it scared the hell out of me, literally. 😉

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    posted August 2, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    I am right there with you Robin!!! A Theif In the Night was bad enough!!!! I do love Larry Norman though… :O)

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      posted August 3, 2010 at 10:03 am

      I meant “A Thief in the Night”, not “A Distant Thunder”. Guess it was so traumatic I blocked the real title from my memory!

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    posted August 6, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Um…the Larry Norman song “I Wish We’d All Been Ready” was in Thief in the Night, not Distant Thunder. It’s clear you weren’t paying attention, so go to your room and practice your Bible drill!

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Adam Shields

posted August 2, 2010 at 12:19 pm

#9 rocks!

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Jonathan Chang

posted August 2, 2010 at 12:37 pm

BAHAHAH watch Judge Judy. Sounds like something my mom would do.

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posted August 2, 2010 at 12:52 pm

If only Rob Bell would become a Methodist

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jeff e.

posted August 2, 2010 at 1:38 pm

having asked jesus “into my heart” as a 5 yr old during our church’s showing of “a thief in the night,” had i been the owner of your guide to post-rapture life, i may have offered that invitation at a different time. but as i had no idea who would drive me home & make me dinner were the rapture to have happened during the film, i figured i should hedge my bets and take a kierkegaardian stance on things…

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posted August 2, 2010 at 1:59 pm

No list like this could be complete without a description of how to stockpile weapons and food.

Fortunately we’ve got all the experience of having survived Y2K to help us know what to do.

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Larry Shallenberger

posted August 2, 2010 at 2:08 pm

Bust out the Xbox and play hours of Resident Evil. The Zombie Apocalypse is one of the seven seals, right?

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posted August 2, 2010 at 3:17 pm

kind of funny, not really a big fan of #9-

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posted August 2, 2010 at 3:39 pm

U forgot to mention that folks should probably watch The Book of Eli and become a blade-carrying, Bible-toting defender and master of mixed martial arts like Denzel Washington!

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posted August 2, 2010 at 5:05 pm

LOL at number 6 and 9. Rob will have to write a new book or something, “Velvet Six-Headed Beast”

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posted August 2, 2010 at 5:20 pm

Eat more bananas while thinking, “I should have listened to Kirk Cameron.”

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posted August 2, 2010 at 6:26 pm

Everybody now…”Life was filled with guns and war, and everyone got trampled on the floor, I wish we’d all been ready…There’s no time to change your mind. The Son has come and you’ve been left behind….”

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posted August 3, 2010 at 5:57 am

Not funny to laugh at the shit people are heading into. Ever lost a love one who kept turning away from God until the choice was

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    Matthew Paul Turner

    posted August 3, 2010 at 9:32 am

    Oh dear. You poor thing for believing in all of this junk.

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posted August 3, 2010 at 10:01 am

Ugh – the one Larry Norman song that I can NEVER listen to or think about. Nightmares tonight. Thanks…. 😉

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Adam Morris

posted August 3, 2010 at 3:09 pm

Hilarious! My only correction would be to replace Rob Bell with John Piper or Pat Robertson LOL…just to be a tad more realistic 😉

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    posted August 8, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    Watching movies like the ones you describe are precisely what made Marilyn Manson the person he/she is today.

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posted August 12, 2010 at 7:24 pm

This is so great. I had Ed Hindson as a Old Testament Survey Professor when I went to Liberty University…. I am so glad I got out while I could. I still can’t believe I went to Liberty.

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