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Jesus Needs New PR

A reader sent this to me. He/she was at birthday party for a 90-year-old relative, and the birthday-girl/boy put this out on the table so all of her non-Christians party mates would not be completely clueless if they happen to get left behind.

How nice. A little parting gift… you know, just in case you get ‘left behind..’ a little light reading material might be nice… especially when it’s a book from like 1996.

Just in case you don’t want to read the book, here’s my advice on what you should do…

1.) FREAK. OUT. Because you are screwed. Seriously. We’re talking way worse than what happened to those brats on The Breakfast Club.

2.) After your freak out, watch Aliens vs. Predators (It will give you an idea of what to expect).

3.) Practice saying “I’m gonna get my head chopped off” without getting nervous. (Buy a toy guillotine and begin discussing with your children about why it’s their friend. Perhaps use an Elmo toy to help make it appear friendly and lovable. Buy several Elmo dolls, so you can show your kid how much Elmo loves getting his head cut off.)

4.) Oh, yeah… DON’T TAKE THE MARK. No tattoos. No chips inserted into your body. And NO UPC CODES! My God, avoid UPC codes like they’re Tara Reid.

5.) Blog about your experience. It will make a very interesting read.

6.) GO TO CHURCH. Find a church whose members are still around–you should have no problem finding a large group of terrified Methodists.

7.) Take up smoking. It might help. (YOU ARE SCREWED, OKAY? SMOKING WON’T KILL YOU.)

8.) To take your mind off the calamity that is happening outside, watch Judge Judy.

9.) Get in touch with Rob Bell. He’ll help you.

10.) Oh, and as you lay under the blade of the guillotine, sing “Mighty To Save” or something like that, and lift your hands as you sing–give those Rebel Forces–uh, Muslims?–more to clean up after your gone!

PS: And remember, Jesus loves you so much that he wants you to get your head chopped off into a bucket, but he loves you. Hey, second chances sometimes suck.

Good luck!

God bless.

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