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Jesus Creed

These are random notes from one student in one class of one professor (:mic) AND IT’S NOT MY CLASS OR NOTES FROM MY CLASS … and it’s hilarious.

Taken from the 8:30 AM Bible and Religion 111: Biblical Literature and History class, completely out of context and in no particular order:


“God, Jesus, Bible–all banned.”

“The iPhones are banned because I don’t own one.”

“I’ve been condemned to Hell so many times, it just doesn’t phase me anymore.”

“We
have 12 here, our own remnant–so I will just name you after the
disciples. Do you want to pick or shall I assign names as I see
emerging personalities?”

“Any time you can drive a Fundie nuts, it’s probably worth it.”

“We
all went into pottery class preparing to create some small version of
Michaelangelo’s David, and we all came out with some sort of ashtray.”

“They used to throw animal intestines down and read those. I’d like to see that come back.”

“There are days when a pope is really handy.”

“Now some of you are thinking we should just stick to Judaism.”

“I
wish more preachers would listen to that and think about what they
preach. But then we wouldn’t have a whole channel devoted to them on
cable.”

“…and Jesus is going to come back, hopefully not before the wedding night–oh, come on, you’ve all thought it!”

“Otherwise,
you’re left with the idea that God screwed up and I don’t want to go
there. I like what God has done. I think it’s very nice.”

“That’s theologically lame.”

“It’s like ‘Dude, my blind dude was so right!'”

“I learned this from an actual Hispanic.”

“The
one who’s coming in May will be named Natalie which means ‘born at
Christmas.’ But Jesus was born nowhere near Christmas and probably
sometime in the spring. I think it works. It makes a great
pseudo-historical statement.”

“That and ‘No, my eyes were closed because I was praying.'”

“I like to think of them on the beach. It’s very relaxing. I hate the ocean.”

“And I’m just like ‘That ain’t a cow.'”

“Mary herself said ‘All generations–except Protestants–will call me blessed.'”

“And the Philistines collectively change their pants and leave.”

“Yeah, it’s about love, but so is everything else.”

“900 at him every day. Many men buckle living with one woman. It’s only a matter of time. But I digress.”

“Thus the term chick flick–totally predictable.”

“Once you learn people are stupid, you’re almost out of here. You might have earned a psych degree.”

“I’m
not saying women are evil. I’m saying that some women are evil, and she
exemplifies the category. Some men are evil, and she does not exemplify
that category. She comes close, though.”

“He girded his loins! That’s what we all want!”

“You all get oxymorons, right? Deafening silence. Jumbo shrimp. Country music.”

“We all like you, and I’m sure God is quite fond of you.”

“We’re just hoping this guy isn’t going to be a jerk-butt-face like Samson.”

“People tell me I ruin the Christmas story. I think I make the Christmas story.”

“Bless you, little Shlomo. Bless you, little Shmooly.”

“You start preaching repentance and even San Francisco will run you out.”

“It was a significant factor in the decline of Roman civilization. So is American Idol, but we don’t get on it.”

“Hey, people tattoo 666 on themselves and then claim they’re following Jesus. So, anything’s possible.”

“Because everyone knows when you get drunk you start speaking intelligible languages.”

“Then we’re in Pentecost! Which goes on for ever. Some people just give up and go into something called ‘ordinary time.'”

“It’s like enrolling at St. Mary’s of the Woods and then complaining there are no guys.”

“There
are some students who can’t find their way out of a wet paper sack, but
can finagle every loop hole in a community life agreement.”

“Someone
accused me of telling them to tear this page out of their Bible. That
is completely false. If you did that, you would lose the beginning of
Luke and I would never condone that.”

“Jesus doesn’t want it to be there either.” [reference to the longer ending of Mark]

“Nothing against the King James. It’s just a piece of garbage.”

“So we all started praying for him. Not that his faith would be strengthened, but that he would love stupid metaphors.”

“They will know we are beast followers by our T-shirts.”

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