Beliefnet
How Great Thou Part

Albeit an unfortunate outcome, the intent of divorce is to promote healing. It allows two people who can’t make a relationship work, the opportunity to begin a new and renewed journey.

It is meant to dissolve the problems in the marriage. It is not meant to become a new format in which to exercise them. 

Each person deserves to get out of a bad or unhealthy situation and be happy.

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Sadly, many spouses do not want to see the other person move forward in happiness. They may become bitter, refuse to interact with the divorced spouse or a variety of other symptoms. The divorce may be a reality and they may lead separate lives but some emotional wounds never completely heal.

A narcissist; however, has no intention of ‘freeing’ their spouse. 

A narcissist has no desire to move forward.

A narcissist has zero interest in resolution.

A narcissist has no ability to see anyone but themselves.

It’s their world and you are simply inhabiting it. If they perceive you as having messed with their world it can be nearly impossible to free yourselves from them. Divorce sounds like the logical avenue. It coaxes you into mistakenly believing you will be ‘free’ of the narcissist. On the contrary, divorce can not only magnify the narcissist’s behavior, it can exaggerate their spousal abuse.

While the rest of society is achieving the end of their relationships via divorce, the spouse of a narcissist may continue to live the same marital nightmare.

Worse? Even once the divorce is ultimately finalized, they may be controlled by lack of alimony payment, spousal alienation, custody issues and be continually dragged back into court for many years.

A Narcissist Has Only 5 Primary Objectives:

Non-Reality: 

A narcissist believes their ‘own’ perception of reality and to them, it is intensely real. 

Regardless of whether they drank, had affairs, or any other type of bad behavior, they will say their spouse drove them to it. Ultimately, assigning blame to the non-narcissistic enabling spouse. The narcissist can’t be wrong so they will stop at nothing to support their ‘version’ of reality. They will manipulate situations and create chaos to confuse the truth.

Unfortunately, the longer a person stays with a narcissist who is controlling, cruel, and unpredictable, the more the other individual’s behavior worsens. They may go from being the kind and caring and tolerant enabler to yelling and saying terrible things and this just intensifies the narcissists bullying. The narcissist is getting their desired result. They are successfully

The narcissist is getting their desired result. They are successfully supporting ‘their version of reality.’

Control:

The narcissist is used to being in control. A divorce even one they may initiate and want means they aren’t entirely in control. 

Suddenly, the narcissist spouse who has controlled the marriage has to work with other people to achieve a resolution.

It is critical to realize the narcissist DOES NOT play well with others.

They will not take a liking to their spouse, lawyers and judges telling them what to do. The narcissist will be infuriated by this.

These are my children. This is my house. This is my money. This is my world. How dare anyone tell me what to do in my world.

Punishment:

A narcissist zeros in on the individual they believe ‘wronged’ them.

Their fragile ego won’t tolerate anyone upsetting them without proper retaliation.

While the narcissist lacks empathy and has zero ability to feel the pain of others, it is important to understand they feel their own pain quite intensely.

And they will take it out on the spouse they believe deserves it. They will be unrelenting. One issue will be resolved and they will create another. One bullying tactic will fail and they will successfully determine another. They will use control, their own children, money, anything to punish their spouse.

They are incapable of forgiveness. They are unable to move forward believing their spouse is not being punished and held accountable to them.

Winning:

Winning is perhaps the number one reason it is impossible to completely ‘free’ yourself of the narcissist.

The narcissist is OBSESSED with winning.

Therefore, they see custody issues, alimony payments, etc. as the other spouse winning. They do not see it rationally. Narcissists are not rational. They do not see it as the logical evolution of a marriage that has ended. They do not see it as doing the right thing and taking care of their children. They do not believe in rehabilitative alimony which helps their spouse start over.

The narcissist believes wholeheartedly they are being wronged.

They believe this to a frightening degree. They will continue this destructive pursuit of their spouse for many years because of it.

Irrational:

There is nothing rational about a narcissist.

They are irrational because they lack empathy.

Their perception of the world is skewed. They do not feel the pain of others.

For this reason, they will have no problem with their children being hurt for years by their bad behavior. They will convince themselves their spouses are the ones benefiting from divorce settlements so much so they may not care if their children have enough money for food, clothing and other necessary things.

They will not fear normal, rational societal boundaries. A judge ordering them to pay, finding them in contempt, not paying at all, not providing health insurance for their children, etc. The narcissist does not believe they are accountable to anyone except themselves. They will challenge their spouse to go ahead and throw them in jail, try and get the money, whatever. They will bizarrely ignore the rules of the common world.

The irrational narcissist believes they are better than others despite their fragile ego and they do not have to play by the rules.

 

Divorce can be a long and emotionally draining process.

Divorcing a narcissist can be a never-ending and emotionally abusive process.

The legal system, society and the friends and family that support the narcissist’s reality do not properly comprehend what an individual living with a true narcissist endures.

This person does not play well with others or play by the rules – yet fools the outside world with their attractiveness, charm, and success.

There are few support systems in place to help those divorcing a narcissist except those who have experienced it first-hand.

(Photos courtesy of Pexels)

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