If you truly want to have a wonderful relationship with yourself and with others you must be good to yourself and you will then be good to others. You treat others only as good as you treat yourself.
Since we are all human, most of us has some negative pattern that rears its head and dominates the moment and a situation. Usually it is not fun or optimal and various hurtful and destructive outcomes occur.
So, what do you do to transform a negative pattern so that it no longer dominates your life and relationships? Now this is often an area that most people do not want to look at, deal with or acknowledge. This is the stuff we all like to hide or pretend doesn’t happen. These negative patterns are also the most destructive forces that hurt your well being, health, success, family and relationships both personal and professional.
It is easy to deal with and improve your wonderful qualities. It takes courage, faith, determination and vigilance to deal with your “dark side.” The good news is that any negative behavior or pattern can be “unwired” or transformed if it is important enough to you. First, you have to tell the truth and acknowledge what is happening when it happens. You don’t have to like it but what you resist persists and the first step is to be willing to see it for what it is and just observe.
I am reading Ariel & Shya Kanes’ new book on relationships, “How to Have A Match Made in Heaven” and they have excellent information on this subject. As a matter of fact, I can give you firsthand experience that miracles are possible. As a young man growing up in an intense and competitive investment banking family, I learned only too well how to fight my way to success in the “dog eat dog” environment of New York City and Wall Street. I was fortunate to go to some of the top schools and the competition in all areas was fierce. It wasn’t easy but I learned to be tough and mix it up with the best of them. The problem was that this spilled over from the sports field or business world to my personal life and relationships.
When I first met the Kanes, my romantic relationships lasted for about two years. You see the women I was with could not take my negative and hurtful patterns of behavior and relating and went away. For so many years and relationships I always thought that they were the problem. Does this sound familiar? By the time I reached 27, I started to realize that it was the same pattern over and over that was dominating and destroying my life and maybe it wasn’t them…. it was me. I checked out traditional therapists and most of them gave advice on how to make gradual changes with behavior modification, but that is different than transformation.
After going through a divorce in 1988, I made a commitment to change, and then realized that change wasn’t enough. I wanted to transform. Fortunately I met Ariel and Shya at that time and they are a powerful support system and source of information that works. It is very helpful to have an example of what you are looking to create in your life and Ariel & Shya were one of the most loving and honest couples that I had ever met. I also met many wonderful people in their workshops who became good friends. Many of them also became clear, quality communicators and developed wonderful relationships. Success leaves clues and I knew that I had met the right people to help me grow, transform and improve the quality of my life and relationships at such an important time in my life and development.
When you transform, you no longer are the same person or do the same things you used to do in the same way. It is like when water turns to ice. It is no longer water, it is a completely different substance. For me, my relationships started to drastically transform when I did. They started being more fun, intimate, juicy, loving, spontaneous. I felt better about myself and how I communicated and treated other people, especially the person that I was in relationship with.
Here is some great information from the Kanes’ new book:
“Kindness begins with you – DON’T JUDGE YOURSELF FOR JUDGING YOURSELF. In order to be kinder to yourself and others, you first have to pay attention to the way you currently behave. It starts by noticing when you’re harsh and when you use derogatory terms or an abrasive tone. When you notice this behavior and don’t judge yourself for doing it, then the behavior will dwindle away on its own (Third Principle). If however, you criticize yourself for what you see, then you’re resisting your behavior. That will only mean that despite your best intentions, you won’t be able to stop. You’ll be trapped in a cycle of behaving “badly,” then feeling “badly” and then behaving “badly” all over again. This is the First Principle of Instantaneous Transformation.
When you are harsh with yourself for being harsh, it simply reinforces the behavior. In other words, what you resist persists, grows stronger and dominates your life.
NOTICING WHEN YOU’RE ALREADY UPSET: You may think that certain circumstances are inherently upsetting or frustrating, that they make you upset and cause you to respond in an abrasive manner. But if you take a look, you’ll notice that when you react strongly to something, oftentimes you were already upset.
DON’T BLAME THE TRIGGER: Upsets can range from a low-level grumble to an explosion. It’s easy to blame your partner, friend or circumstance or even yourself for doing something “wrong” when in fact you are simply pre-charged. For example, if you had a “bad day” at work or a frustrating day with your kids, when you get together with your spouse, it’s far easier to snap at him or her as if your partner is the cause of your upset. Blaming something outside of yourself perpetuates recurring upsets. If you simply bring awareness to how it is that you function, without judging yourself for what you see, or blaming something or someone for causing them, these recurring upsets will lose their hold over you and with practice, you well be free of them.
This wonderful book is full of valuable information that will transform your life if you want to. Of course you have to take the appropriate action as often as is needed and go the distance. Remember that “perfect practice makes perfect” and anything is possible if you want it and do what it takes.
Have a miraculous weekend!
The MEGA Coach