Flunking Sainthood

Flunking Sainthood


Mormons to be Exterminated by Federal Government: An Important Religion Update by the Satireday Review

posted by Jana Riess

Millions of American Mormons are about to be uprooted from their homes and families, according to reports by the Yakima Herald and the federal government. Many will be unceremoniously murdered. If all goes as planned, Mormons will soon be blotted out from the American landscape.

According to intermountain officials, there are simply too many Mormons for the safety of others.

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mormon_cricket_1_web.jpg

“They have multiplied exceedingly,” reported Gov. Lilburn Bugg of the state of Novada, which is spearheading the extermination effort. Novada has lost land and revenue to the Mormons, who sing annoying hymns at night and keep their neighbors awake. “They are hatching like rabbits and taking over our way of life. They simply must be stopped,” complained the governor.

Some commentators have noted how Bugg’s language echoes the vitriolic diatribes of the nineteenth century, when Mormons were driven out of towns like Far West, Missouri, and Nauvoo, Illinois. Rather than using the muskets of old, however, today’s anti-Mormon agitators are relying on 21st-century genocidal techniques such as chemical weapons sprayed from above.

Although some Americans say they will miss hearing nocturnal sacred music, most don’t express regret over the loss. “Really, they’re an irritant,” said one Novada resident who refused to be identified. “I’m hoping that once they’re gone I can help myself to all the wheat  they’ve been hoarding.”

The Mormons do not appear to be trying to flee this grave threat to their existence. “They are not a flight risk,” declared Novada’s chief entomologist, Dr. Kree Khett. “In fact, the Mormons are wingless and butt-ugly, as you can see from the picture above. They clearly deserve to die.”


This news update on the plight of the Mormon Cricket has been brought to you by Flunking Sainthood’s Satireday Review department. Which is pretty much just me.



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Comments read comments(6)
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River

posted June 19, 2010 at 5:31 pm


Thanks for your great article! I look forward to your next satirical piece on the systematic genocide of Jews, Bosnian Muslims and Christians in Asia. Articles like this are really funny. No, really. Funny stuff.



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Schroder

posted June 19, 2010 at 5:37 pm


All the people that don’t read to the very, very end, are going to be totally confused. Particularly by the picture.



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Ed Clinch

posted June 19, 2010 at 7:43 pm


Very funny. Also, a lot of food for thought. Nicely done.
Go BYU!



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SteveP

posted June 19, 2010 at 10:40 pm


I say we engage an army of seagulls to take’m on. That’ll teach them.



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Porter

posted June 20, 2010 at 11:28 am


Most will have no understanding of what this is about. Some “gay” and southerners probably really wish this were true. Move to Novada….



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Dan

posted June 20, 2010 at 10:57 pm


This may be satire, but I’m not amused. Although the events the article referred to occurred 170 years ago, there is still enough bigotry and hatred that violence could repeat itself. Proposition 8 demonstrated that. So did Mitt Romney’s campaign for President.



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