Flunking Sainthood

Flunking Sainthood

Mormons to be Exterminated by Federal Government: An Important Religion Update by the Satireday Review

Millions of American Mormons are about to be uprooted from their homes and families, according to reports by the Yakima Herald and the federal government. Many will be unceremoniously murdered. If all goes as planned, Mormons will soon be blotted out from the American landscape.

According to intermountain officials, there are simply too many Mormons for the safety of others.




“They have multiplied exceedingly,” reported Gov. Lilburn Bugg of the state of Novada, which is spearheading the extermination effort. Novada has lost land and revenue to the Mormons, who sing annoying hymns at night and keep their neighbors awake. “They are hatching like rabbits and taking over our way of life. They simply must be stopped,” complained the governor.

Some commentators have noted how Bugg’s language echoes the vitriolic diatribes of the nineteenth century, when Mormons were driven out of towns like Far West, Missouri, and Nauvoo, Illinois. Rather than using the muskets of old, however, today’s anti-Mormon agitators are relying on 21st-century genocidal techniques such as chemical weapons sprayed from above.


Although some Americans say they will miss hearing nocturnal sacred music, most don’t express regret over the loss. “Really, they’re an irritant,” said one Novada resident who refused to be identified. “I’m hoping that once they’re gone I can help myself to all the wheat  they’ve been hoarding.”

The Mormons do not appear to be trying to flee this grave threat to their existence. “They are not a flight risk,” declared Novada’s chief entomologist, Dr. Kree Khett. “In fact, the Mormons are wingless and butt-ugly, as you can see from the picture above. They clearly deserve to die.”

This news update on the plight of the Mormon Cricket has been brought to you by Flunking Sainthood’s Satireday Review department. Which is pretty much just me.

  • River

    Thanks for your great article! I look forward to your next satirical piece on the systematic genocide of Jews, Bosnian Muslims and Christians in Asia. Articles like this are really funny. No, really. Funny stuff.

  • Schroder

    All the people that don’t read to the very, very end, are going to be totally confused. Particularly by the picture.

  • Ed Clinch

    Very funny. Also, a lot of food for thought. Nicely done.
    Go BYU!

  • SteveP

    I say we engage an army of seagulls to take’m on. That’ll teach them.

  • Porter

    Most will have no understanding of what this is about. Some “gay” and southerners probably really wish this were true. Move to Novada….

  • Dan

    This may be satire, but I’m not amused. Although the events the article referred to occurred 170 years ago, there is still enough bigotry and hatred that violence could repeat itself. Proposition 8 demonstrated that. So did Mitt Romney’s campaign for President.

Previous Posts

Another blog to enjoy!!!
Thank you for visiting Flunking Sainthood. This blog is no longer being updated. Please enjoy the archives. Here is another blog you may also enjoy: Fellowship of Saints and Sinners Happy Reading!!! ...

posted 3:12:01pm Jul. 05, 2012 | read full post »

Thank You, Flunking Sainthood Readers!
OK, I admit it. I have a Google Alert on the title Flunking Sainthood, so that the search engine lets me know when there are new reviews or discussions about the book. In the last few weeks it has been exciting -- and humbling -- to see the many ...

posted 12:41:10pm Jan. 25, 2012 | read full post »

NYC Conference on Mormonism & American Politics, February 3-4
"First Mitt won Iowa, then he lost Iowa? That's a classic Romney flip-flop." --Stephen Colbert     Working with the theory that there hasn't been nearly enough attention to Mormonism and politics this year, what with it being ...

posted 11:09:19am Jan. 23, 2012 | read full post »

Writing Retreat
Friends, I will be offline until January 23 for a writing retreat. I'm bringing my computer, ...

posted 8:47:20pm Jan. 14, 2012 | read full post »

Fun with the Book of Lamentations
Actually, no. That title was just a ...

posted 11:33:13am Jan. 13, 2012 | read full post »


Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.