An Open Letter to the
Laundry Room Goniff:
WTF, lady (or gent)? Not only did you at one point apparently, inexplicably, open my dryer
and let some of my socks and towels fall outside it in a heap, you then later
came back and took all MY stuff out in order to dry YOURS using the rest of MY
UM, what gives? Why is it OK to throw my damp blankie aside like yesterday’s news in
order to dry out your raggedy tank dress using the last 15 minutes of my dryer cycle? Did you think I wouldn’t
notice? Did you think you were the arbiter of all dryness and could make my
decision for me as to when my afghan had had enough? Did you think it was
morally excusable to mooch a little time off my delicates because… because…
because your dress was wet?
It’s funny; just earlier, I was complimenting myself for not
being a mooch when I abstained from using the ever-so-tempting laundry card
someone had left lying on a free washer instead of my own.
From now on, I warn you: it’s every laundress for herself.
I mean seriously, laundry-loser.
Try to behave! Laundry room ethics are some of the most fundamental
your-momma-raised-you-right type of morals a person can have.
I’ll grant you, laundry room etiquette is by no means
standardized. There are those who’ll argue one’s unmentionables are inviolable
– untouchable under any circumstance; while others sincerely believe – and will
defend until their last breath – that there are circumstances when a gentle yet
firm hand is required to “help” someone remove their load from a washer if it’s
been lingering for seven-plus hours, taking up the only free machine.
Now, there may be some debate over proper laundry etiquette,
but I think if you simply take the time to Google the term, you’ll find a
plethora of resources directing you toward better washday hygiene – as well as some
common-sense tips for not pissing off your neighbors. Here are a few links to
get you started.
In the meantime, kindly keep your grubby paws off my knickers.
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