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Doing Life Together

couple-1853996_1920Candace and Mike haven’t had sex in over a month. And neither is talking about it. Candace and Mike are like many couples who suffer in silence, never bringing up the issue of boredom or inattention to their sexual lives. When Candace and Mike began to talk, they knew what they had to do to correct things. But had they not pushed each other to talk about a sensitive issue like sexual satisfaction, they might be struggling still today.

Candace admitted that she lost interest in Mike when he stopped having great conversations and talks with her. She felt that as the years of marriage increased, their communication had dwindled to a few words and interactions such as, “How was your day?” and “Everything OK?” For her, changing a boring sex life meant re-engaging in conversation again, rekindling a forgotten friendship by doing things together like they did when they dated. They were in a rut and had to get out of their routine and shake things up a bit. So, as a first step, Mike planned an overnight at a nearby hotel that he found on Groupon. Simply changing the scenery and getting out of the house sparked feelings of romance.

During the night at the hotel, Candace decided to take an even bigger risk. She would talk to Mike about the way he touches and stimulates her physically. She knew he wanted to arouse her, but felt they had never communicated how this could be done best. At times, his touch felt awkward and was not stimulating her in the way he had hoped. When she talked to Mike, he was highly receptive and willing to make adjustments.

As authors, Robert Butler Myrna Lewis, say in their book, Love and Sex After 40, “Love and sex are twin arts, requiring effort and knowledge. Only in fairy tales do people live happily ever after without working at it.” Prior to this time, Candace and Mike were not working at their sex life. They had neither knowledge of likes and dislikes, nor were they making much of an effort to set the stage for sexual encounters.

“Working at it” often requires discussing behaviors that are pleasing and acceptable to each other. Ask your partner, what is considered normal, disgusting, acceptable, etc., when it comes to sexual behavior? This is usually determined by upbringing, experience and years of exposure to media and other sexual behavior and warrants discussion. It is often the case that couples have differing opinions. Without discussion, you can’t know these details.

Certain sexual acts are not mentioned in the Bible, but couples should read Song of Solomon, a beautiful biblical book that provides a picture of intimacy between a man and woman. In fact, when Candace and Mike read Song of Solomon out loud to each other, their inhibitions lowered and they began to dialogue regarding the sensitive issues of sexual behavior with each other. The passages opened the door to frank conversation regarding needs and desires.

With just these few changes—changing up the routine and bringing a bit of novelty to the relationship, talking through their preferences about sex and intimacy, and reading a sensual Bible passage together, Candace and Mike went from boring to interesting again. Perhaps it is time for your marital relationship to do the same.

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