Beliefnet
Doing Life Together

coupleWhat happens when one person in a couple has more of a desire for the frequency of sex than the other. Is it some deep hidden emotional problem that only Freud could understand?

First, consider biochemistry and the role of testosterone. This steroid hormone produced by both sexes correlates strongly with desire. After initial infatuation, a low testosterone woman can feel sexually disinterested. Testosterone levels play an important part in on-going desire. If you are a high testosterone (“T”) person married to a low “T,” you may have problems.

Additionally, the key for most couples isn’t about having the same sex drive or being in sync with each other every time desire is felt. It is about negotiation the times when one initiates and the other refuses. What is usually needed is each spouse making an effort to meet the other’s need. Michele Weiner Davis in her book, The Sex-Starved Marriage,   says that a reluctant spouse can make a decision for desire. That when couples prioritize their sex life and put energy into it by flirting, complimenting and being nice, things go better. In fact, many partners who are not in the mood, get in the mood with a little prompting. The key is to stay open and receptive.

So, the most important thing to remember is not what is normal in terms of frequency, but how satisfied you are as a couple with your sex life. Dissatisfaction and disconnection can lead to problems and should be discussed. Sexual difficulties can be triggered by physical, emotional or even stress problems. Thus, getting to the root of dissatisfaction is important. Things like busyness, boredom, childhood trauma, stress reactions, aging and a host of other issues can lead to sexual difficulties and become points of contention.

Couples are often hesitant to bring up the subject of their sex lives even when both may be dissatisfied. However, it is important to start talking, sleep in the same bed together, show physical affection to each other during nonsexual times and make time for intimacy. If you find yourself unable to make changes or even have a conversation about your sex life, consider getting professional help from a therapist who specializes in sex therapy. Doing nothing only continues the dissatisfied and puts the marriage at risk.

Except from We Need to Talk by Dr. Linda Mintle

 

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